How To: Being A Friend Of An Infertile

As I said in my introduction post, the purpose of this post will not be to encourage an infertile person to wallow in their own self pity, or to allow bad behavior to continue. Infertile people can feel sorry for themselves like no one else can, and while some say we might have a good reason, to be honest, we don't! The purpose of this post is to let people on the outside into the world of infertility, so that you might be better equipped to encourage, and to be honest, to hopefully prevent you from saying something that could hurt your friend, and then your relationship.

Unfortunately, infertility isn't usually a topic women feel comfortable throwing out there to the general public, or even to close friends. While that is usually the case, there are people like me who are comfortable with talking about almost anything with almost anyone. Biblically, if you need prayer for something, you are to ask for it. But, people have deemed it 'personal' or 'private,' when in reality, this is probably the time a woman needs to be open the most. The way different women deal with their infertility journey is as different as each of their personalities, but there are some universal commonalities in there also.

Please understand that this post will come across as very sarcastic because I am going to try to portray what goes on in a woman's head who struggles with infertility. With that in mind, here are a few tips.


1. First of all, research your friends condition (see point 3 before you do ANYTHING). 
          There are a bagillion and one reasons for infertility, so Google will be your best friend. If your friend doesn't have to explain every little detail to you about every process she's going through, she will feel more open and more understood.
          *As a side note, if your friend doesn't know what her condition is, she needs to be seen by a doctor.
               Even if she is putting off a doctor's visit because she thinks she'll get pregnant on her own, her            health may be at risk and she won't know it until she sees a doctor.

2. Realize there are different stages of dealing with infertility. 
          There's the newbie, the never-ending optimist... she's been trying for about 6 months, maybe even seen a doctor, or tried some of the less invasive fertility treatments. She believes the problem is temporary and that she'll most likely get pregnant on her own by some miracle. She doesn't need too much in the way of special friendship. It's hard for her, but she doesn't feel broken or separate from the rest of the world.
          There's the long term, tried every treatment she's willing to try, involved infertile... she's tried for so long she forgets exactly when she started. She knows that even if she does get a positive pregnancy test she won't believe it until she's showing. She feels alienated from society and from anyone who can't understand exactly what she's going through because they've been there. She constantly carries the pain of what she perceives as never being able to have a child. Though she may not show it, she is sensitive and easily bruised. It is constantly on her mind, and only sometimes can she push it to the background. In every month, there are two weeks of impatience and two weeks of worry, then a couple days to a couple weeks of depression after the negative blood work. Then the cycle begins again, and she won't quit trying, because if she does, she might miss 'the month.' This is the woman who needs a friend the most, but the one who pushes back so hard when you try to help that you wonder if you are doing more harm than good (and just so you know, she needs attention, whether she thinks she wants it or not. Keep on Keepin' On...).
          There's the Old Timer. She's tough. Infertility is part of who she is. She's been through the Dark Ages of infertility and has come to realize that while the whole situation is almost all total suckage, it's not going to kill you, and there ARE other things to life than having children. She begins to laugh at herself for all of the silly things they tried to get pregnant by doing (ahem, standing on your head and doing bicycle motions with your legs after sex?), and laugh that they took things so seriously. They replace tears of sorrow with tears of joy, that they've made it through, and that infertility is no longer defining them. If you were friends with your infertile before she started her journey, you will start to remember what she was like before.
          Women move through these stages at different paces. Taking on the job of being friend to an infertile is not an easy job. You constantly have to adjust your actions and attitudes, and it wears on you. Being friends with a woman in the Dark Ages of infertility is the worst... her world usually shrinks to the universe of infertility and she usually knows she's going to go insane if something doesn't break. Her reaction to you has almost nothing to do with your ability to friend at this stage. It has everything to do with her ability to cope. The best advice I have for you if you're friending a woman at this stage is to love her from a distance. If she's ready to talk, she will come to you. For the other two stages, a closer, more intimate relationship is often needed for her. She will most likely choose the person she feels 'gets her' the most and pour out her soul to this person. If you're not that person, it doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be friends with you, it means she chose the person she's most comfortable with. Try not to read into it.
3. Don't give advice unless she asks.
          Remember, the stuff you read on the internet is stuff she tried in Fertility 101. She's been there, done that, didn't work, moved on. Yes, she's tried cough syrup and grapefruit juice to increase cervical mucous. She's taken a baby asprin to prevent miscarriages. She's probably tried everything you could think of to tell her to try months ago. And PLEASE, whatever you do, don't tell her to 'just relax' or 'stress can prevent pregnancy, girl!'.... yes, she knows. But would you tell someone who has cancer to just relax? Probably not. Infertility is a disease, and not only that, but you can't 'just relax.' It's constantly on your mind, no matter what you do. And yes, she's tried Chamomile tea before bed to try to relax her system. Relaxing will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. If she asks you for advice, first of all, that's amazing. Second, be gentle and make sure what you say accounts for her feelings, rather than just facts. Infertility is an emotional journey primarily, and advice given needs to echo that.
4. Please, never, ever, never ever, say something like "Maybe you weren't meant to have children."
          Most infertiles are very understanding people. They will usually nod and smile when someone says "It's probably just God's Will that you don't have a baby right now..." at dinner, but when they get in the car with their hubby they either start bawling or get angry. Because while it may be true that it's not God's Will for me to have a baby right now, you've just said something that makes you feel better and makes me feel worse, and thank you for reminding me at this lovely dinner that I may never have children. While it is important that your friend accepts and wants to be within God's Will, it's still a topic that is sensitive and can easily bruise someone. And the worst part is that you'll probably never know that you hurt your friend's feelings, and your friend will be wondering if she can muster up the courage to do the right thing and tell you about it. How about "Oh, my friend got pregnant naturally after 20 years of trying." "Oh, thanks. Great for her, it's really got nothing to do with my situation, because I don't ovulate. Can't get pregnant if you don't ovulate!!!" Or "I would NEVER do IVF/IUI/Clomid..." Okay... thanks for telling me.... ??
5. Announcing pregnancies, baby showers, birthdays, etc.
          The best advice I can give here, is don't treat her any different than you would a normal person. Though she feels different and isolated, the last thing she wants is for people to actually treat her that way. She knows what she can handle, and she'll be happy to decline an invitation if she needs to. If she's having a bad baby day, say, she just got her period, then she will decline. If she thinks she can handle it, or particularly if she is involved in your and your child's life, she will probably attend. As far as telling an infertile that you're pregnant, don't worry about it. The time in an infertile's life where her friends getting pregnant bothers her is usually a short one, and generally she will want to be more involved in your pregnancy than will your other friends. It will be a temptation for her to live vicariously through you, but she will probably try to resist that and just be a help. Invite her to ultrasounds if you're close, and let her feel your belly when you start showing more.... she'll love getting the chance to feel the baby move.
6. If you don't know how to act, ask.
          Truly, there's nothing more frustrating to an infertile than people who don't understand her, that act like they do. And there's few things more relieving than a friend asking how she wants to be treated. She will tell you honestly. This should probably be number one, but I didn't think of it until just now ;)

Some women deal with infertility better than others, but no matter how badly your friend is handling it, she doesn't need to be treated like an eggshell. If her attitudes are not Biblical, confront her. If she is stuck in a rut of self pity, confront her! An infertile shouldn't be allowed to continue in sin because she is in a rough situation.

I hope this helped clear up some of your questions if you are a friend of an infertile person. Some of the most miserable times for me is when I feel like anything I say to someone might be taken the wrong way!

T-4 days till next blog update...

Love you all,

Ash