Okay, I know if you are struggling with infertility and have a husband who tends to be less than understanding (or even one who tries to be and doesn't really succeed), you're probably going to call him as soon as you read this, make him write down the URL to this post on a sticky note and demand that he not only read it, but apply it. Please don't do that. Not only would you be an insensitive wife at that point, but I really don't want this blog to be one of those "my wife is making me read this" kind of blogs. I want husbands who genuinely seek to better understand their wives to have a place to come that will hopefully give them some much needed insight into the world of women.
A whole ton of women are blessed with amazing husbands who want to help. Problem is, women push them away a lot of the time. I empathize with the desire to do that... it's hard to remain vulnerable when you get let down month after month after convincing yourself you didn't really get your hopes up this month, and when you see that single line you realize you really did have your hopes up. It's hard. But when has it ever been okay not to do something because it's hard? Try to find me an example where that worked for someone in the Bible... if you do please share it. I've been looking for one to justify my wants. ;-)
I did a lot of research for this post. Internet, book excerpts, and personal conversations with my husband over the length of our journey. Research into what men feel in the battle with infertility, and what women want their husbands to be. In order to understand what you want from your husband, you probably need to understand what he's feeling. Before reading any more, please let go of the idea that the woman is the only one that will feel the pain of infertility in your relationship. It's not true.
I was talking to a friend about Dan's initial fertility workup results. His first counts came back low on everything: motility, morphology, and production. She made a good point that I think is a foundation for what women need to realize; Men want to provide for their wives, and they may see being able to get their wife pregnant as a way to provide for them. Nearly every woman knows the importance of their husband feeling capable and strong. I know if my sweet Dan is feeling inadequate, it's a bad day. Imagine having that constantly lingering over your head. Even if your hubby doens't have anything wrong with him, if you're not getting pregnant, he will probably hold some feeling of responsibility. Men are geared that way. They are fixers. If something is wrong (especially if something is affecting their wife), they will want to do anything to fix it. But with infertility, they can't. They have to learn to comfort you in the midst of it. The hardest part for them is probably seeing you in pain. They feel the loss of a dream, the broken heart, but they feel your pain most, because they're helpless.
So, there's that to get you out of your pity party for yourself. :) You're not the only one that has it rough, and don't let yourself fall into feeling sorry for yourself. While it is generally true that the woman feels more pain than the man, often we discount the pain our hubbies are feeling because we don't see it as enough pain. Being perfectly honest, that's horrible.
For the Husbands:
Your wife needs you now, but she probably doesn't need you how you think she needs you. Going with her to doctor's appointments, being there for every procedure, giving her the injections, reminding her to take her pills, and probably dishing out tons of money in an effort to get pregnant are all very important to her, and can't be forgotten. But more than you fixing the situation, she needs you to understand her. Anybody can understand someone else. Empathy on the other hand is hard to come by if you don't understand what the other is feeling. But she's not asking for empathy (actually, if you try to empathize with her, she'll probably wonder why you think you can. You're not female, you don't have motherhood ingrained into you, you don't have a uterus, you don't have to go through a cycle every month. It would be supernatural if you could). She wants understanding. She wants you to recognize when she's hurting. She wants you to wrap her up in your lap and say "you're really hurting today aren't you? I can't make it better, but I can promise I'll be here with you." She wants you to jump in with a subject change or a conversation diversion when a friend says something hurtful to her and she's stumbling over words, trying to be polite and not show that she was just deeply hurt. She wants to be known, to be felt, to be loved with all of your being. Because that's among the most important thing she has on this earth, and whether she realizes it or admits it, she's scared to death of losing that in the infertility storm, too.
There will undoubtedly be times where you feel like she doesn't care about you anymore, and you wonder if all she wants from you anymore is your sperm. I'm not even going to lie to you, there are times when the motherly instinct is so strong, so all consuming, that may not be too far off. But please realize and understand that once her hormones aren't dominating her thought processes and she can think clearly again, you will be just as (if not more) important to her than you were 3 days ago.
And guys...this doesn't last forever. Even if your journey is unsuccessful (something that once your wife realizes may happen, and accepts it, will be an amazing rejuvenation for your relationship), many women will come to accept this as her lot and there will come a point where this is not a constant issue for her. Will she have that spot in her heart forever? Probably. But will it always consume her thoughts until you get pregnant? Probably not. There is hope. There is always hope.
Bottom line: She needs you. All of you. And when you feel sorrow in the midst of this, make sure to talk with her about it. It will help her to know that you are indeed feeling this at least a little bit. It will help her feel less crazy if you are open with what you are going through as well. And please... PLEASE pray for her and for your future babies. And let her hear you pray for her... there's absolutely nothing that you could say to her that would be as effective and that would reach her heart better than prayer and allowing Jesus to do His work in her.
And, if you're totally clueless and want more specific help, shoot me an email. :) I am happy to help.
I am going to start praying for all the infertile women in the world often. I don't want to ever hurt anyone by saying something dumb. I don't want to ever lead a hurting woman astray... and most of all I want every hurting woman to have the comfort that I have found in Jesus.
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