Super Quick Update

Hey friends! I don't have much to say or much time to say it. But here goes.

Last cycle my progesterone level on day 7 was 11. This time it's 13.9. Good job, corpus luteum... good job.

I'll update you all soon :)

Ash

Fake Pregnancy Hormone?

Who had this idea anyway? All I  know is that I approve. Thank God for smart people, and sharp needles that I can't even feel.

My appointment on Friday went quite well. The egg on my left ovary had vanished somewhere... I have no idea where. But from what I saw it looked like two on my right ovary. Which pretty much confirms that my left ovary is 'bad' for whatever reason. Which also happens to be weird, since my left ovary currently feels like it might explode.

So far I've been feeling fine post shot. I have heartburn that is so far unrivaled in my life, and had nausea for a couple hours. But now I feel great! When I bend over my ovaries kill me and feel like they're squishing my insides, which I actually like. It's reassuring that something is going on down there. Whether that's completely masochistic or not is yet to be decided ;)

I have a progesterone test scheduled for the 5th and a blood hCG test scheduled for the 12th if I don't already know by then. Now entering: Wait Mode. This is generally the part where I struggle the most with keeping my eyes on Jesus, so prayers for the next two weeks or so are very appreciated :)

I had a sort of revelation today during the morning service. Pastor was talking about how to bear your burdens. Romans 8:28 has really been on my mind more this last week, and it just worked together with the sermon this morning. This actually CAN be a blessing... it doesn't have to be a burden...

It kind of blew my mind.

Also, I've had some interest in me possibly doing a series on fertility in general from the medical side. There's a lot of info out there but it's all scattered and it's impossible for someone without medical training to know what's true and what's myth. I would also probably do a series on charting How To's. Even if you already know how to do it and have already read "taking charge of your fertility", you might be interested in this as well.

Thank you friends and family. Your prayers are working!!! I love them and you will never quite know how much I feel them unless you manage to hack my brain. I'm praying that my 'feeling' about this month will be quite correct. I've had 'feelings' before so that doesn't necessarily mean anything. But I feel good about this month and I'm praying my feel good turns into babies. ;)

And can I also just say... thank the Lord for Christmas music!!!

How To: Be The Kind of Husband An Infertile Needs

Okay, I know if you are struggling with infertility and have a husband who tends to be less than understanding (or even one who tries to be and doesn't really succeed), you're probably going to call him as soon as you read this, make him write down the URL to this post on a sticky note and demand that he not only read it, but apply it. Please don't do that. Not only would you be an insensitive wife at that point, but I really don't want this blog to be one of those "my wife is making me read this" kind of blogs. I want husbands who genuinely seek to better understand their wives to have a place to come that will hopefully give them some much needed insight into the world of women.

A whole ton of women are blessed with amazing husbands who want to help. Problem is, women push them away a lot of the time. I empathize with the desire to do that... it's hard to remain vulnerable when you get let down month after month after convincing yourself you didn't really get your hopes up this month, and when you see that single line you realize you really did have your hopes up. It's hard. But when has it ever been okay not to do something because it's hard? Try to find me an example where that worked for someone in the Bible... if you do please share it. I've been looking for one to justify my wants. ;-)

I did a lot of research for this post. Internet, book excerpts, and personal conversations with my husband over the length of our journey. Research into what men feel in the battle with infertility, and what women want their husbands to be. In order to understand what you want from your husband, you probably need to understand what he's feeling. Before reading any more, please let go of the idea that the woman is the only one that will feel the pain of infertility in your relationship. It's not true.

I was talking to a friend about Dan's initial fertility workup results. His first counts came back low on everything: motility, morphology, and production. She made a good point that I think is a foundation for what women need to realize; Men want to provide for their wives, and they may see being able to get their wife pregnant as a way to provide for them. Nearly every woman knows the importance of their husband feeling capable and strong. I know if my sweet Dan is feeling inadequate, it's a bad day. Imagine having that constantly lingering over your head. Even if your hubby doens't have anything wrong with him, if you're not getting pregnant, he will probably hold some feeling of responsibility. Men are geared that way. They are fixers. If something is wrong (especially if something is affecting their wife), they will want to do anything to fix it. But with infertility, they can't. They have to learn to comfort you in the midst of it. The hardest part for them is probably seeing you in pain. They feel the loss of a dream, the broken heart, but they feel your pain most, because they're helpless.

So, there's that to get you out of your pity party for yourself. :) You're not the only one that has it rough, and don't let yourself fall into feeling sorry for yourself. While it is generally true that the woman feels more pain than the man, often we discount the pain our hubbies are feeling because we don't see it as enough pain. Being perfectly honest, that's horrible.

For the Husbands:

Your wife needs you now, but she probably doesn't need you how you think she needs you. Going with her to doctor's appointments, being there for every procedure, giving her the injections, reminding her to take her pills, and probably dishing out tons of money in an effort to get pregnant are all very important to her, and can't be forgotten. But more than you fixing the situation, she needs you to understand her. Anybody can  understand someone else. Empathy on the other hand is hard to come by if you don't understand what the other is feeling. But she's not asking for empathy (actually, if you try to empathize with her, she'll probably wonder why you think you can. You're not female, you don't have motherhood ingrained into you, you don't have a uterus, you don't have to go through a cycle every month. It would be supernatural if you could). She wants understanding. She wants you to recognize when she's hurting. She wants you to wrap her up in your lap and say "you're really hurting today aren't you? I can't make it better, but I can promise I'll be here with you." She wants you to jump in with a subject change or a conversation diversion when a friend says something hurtful to her and she's stumbling over words, trying to be polite and not show that she was just deeply hurt. She wants to be known, to be felt, to be loved with all of your being. Because that's among the most important thing she has on this earth, and whether she realizes it or admits it, she's scared to death of losing that in the infertility storm, too.

There will undoubtedly be times where you feel like she doesn't care about you anymore, and you wonder if all she wants from you anymore is your sperm. I'm not even going to lie to you, there are times when the motherly instinct is so strong, so all consuming, that may not be too far off. But please realize and understand that once her hormones aren't dominating her thought processes and she can think clearly again, you will be just as (if not more) important to her than you were 3 days ago.

And guys...this doesn't last forever. Even if your journey is unsuccessful (something that once your wife realizes may happen, and accepts it, will be an amazing rejuvenation for your relationship), many women will come to accept this as her lot and there will come a point where this is not a constant issue for her. Will she have that spot in her heart forever? Probably. But will it always consume her thoughts until you get pregnant? Probably not. There is hope. There is always hope.

Bottom line: She needs you. All of you. And when you feel sorrow in the midst of this, make sure to talk with her about it. It will help her to know that you are indeed feeling this at least a little bit. It will help her feel less crazy if you are open with what you are going through as well. And please... PLEASE pray for her and for your future babies. And let her hear you pray for her... there's absolutely nothing that you could say to her that would be as effective and that would reach her heart better than prayer and allowing Jesus to do His work in her.

And, if you're totally clueless and want more specific help, shoot me an email. :) I am happy to help.

I am going to start praying for all the infertile women in the world often. I don't want to ever hurt anyone by saying something dumb. I don't want to ever lead a hurting woman astray... and most of all I want every hurting woman to have the comfort that I have found in Jesus.

Third Time's A Charm

Nope, we're not pregnant. Just in case you thought the title was referring to pregnancy. In which case even that wouldn't make sense, because this is the 10th time. Anyways....

Well! I had my doctor's appointment for the ultrasound after the higher Clomid dose today. There's awesome news, and some news that I extrapolated from my own knowledge that the doctor said nothing about. ;)

First, the news I extrapolated. It is not uncommon to have one 'good' ovary, and one 'bad' ovary. Bad being harder to stimulate than than the other. My left ovary seems to be quite stubborn. It takes grandiose amounts of estrogen to create a follicle worthy of triggering. That just means that I think I'm going to have to be on a higher dose of Clomid on the month I'm supposed to ovulate from that ovary, which by the way, happens to be this month. :) This is all okay though, because at least it's capable of ovulating. I am blessed.

The good news!!!

Doc came in and asked me if I had anything growing in there. I told him I thought I did on my left side. The nurse laughed at me and said maybe they don't even need to do the ultrasound! I said no, no, please do... haha. And sure enough....

I have three, yes, THREE (3) follicles! One is 12 mm, one is 12.5 mm, and the one on my left ovary will probably develop more and be triggered as well, but didn't mention the size. The standard size for triggering is 18-26 cm, so they have to grow a bit more, but he thinks they will. I go back on Friday for another ultrasound, and quite possibly a trigger shot :)

Praise the Lord I have only felt bad when I'm actively taking the Clomid, which is only for five days (Dan would probably prefer me not to use the word 'only'...). I don't know what I would do without my husband being the exact way he is. He knows how to react when  I scream at him to stop chewing, when I want to cuddle one second and then I want to murder anyone that touches me the next because of a hot flash. Bless his heart, he just deserves so many jewels in his crown.

I just love the comfort God gives. After each appointment He's given me a very clear upside, even when most people would only be able to see the downside. Last appointment, nothing was working, but God made it very clear to my heart that it was okay to take the next dose. And here we are with triple the chance of getting pregnant this cycle and double the chance for multiples. I love it. And let me just say, I don't know how women who don't have Jesus get through this. All glory to God, and God alone... I am still sane. Anything good in me is actually none of me, and everything of Him.

I can't say it enough, THANK YOU for your prayers. I am so grateful. I am still praying for a pregnancy by December, and for multiples, but God has also made it very clear to me that that will happen if it's what's best for me, and it won't if that's not the case. And.... by the grace of God, I'm okay with that. :)

'Till Friday! AND! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Give thanks for something unusual this holiday.

Ash

Comid 2.5

Yesterday, I had another ultrasound done to tell us whether we would have to up the dose or trigger me to ovulate. Doc came in and asked me if I had anything growing in there, and I said "I don't think so, but let's see!" He looked legitimately sad. It warmed my heart.

What! A doctor that actually cares about his patients??? Amazing.

He did the ultrasound and said "yeah, you really don't have anything going on in there except about 100 small eggs."

100?!?! Yep. Lots of eggs in there. And now I'm going to make more, because he then proceeded to tell me that he was raising the dose to 100 mg per day instead of 50mg. Meaning: I now have the effects of 150mg of Clomid in my system making me some eggs.

Not that I want to over analyze, but I'm thinking I see some divine intervention here. BECAUSE:

This means my chances for multiples in the next two months is higher than my chances for a singleton.

I would really like multiples. I would be extremely happy with that. People think I'm crazy, and that's quite possibly because I actually am. But I have witnessed the miracle of twins and it's SO. AWESOME. Beyond words.

For the first time in this journey I really feel like I've given it all to God. It's almost hard for me to stress over this anymore, probably half because I've just accepted it as part of my life, and the other half being a discussion Dan and I had the other night. We were talking about striving, and what we should and shouldn't strive for. I asked whether he thought we should be 'striving' to have a baby. I mentioned that I feel strongly that I will be a mother someday, and I believe that feeling is from the Lord. Dan brought up the subject of Sarah and Abraham, which is a popular story for women going through infertility. He said that even though the Lord had directly promised Abraham that he would be a father of many nations, Sarah lost faith when she became too old to have children, and gave Abraham her handmaid instead, trying to fulfill what the Lord had promised to Abraham. I truly believe she was just trying to do the right thing, but because she strove to bring about something the Lord had promised in her own strength, rather than waiting on the Lord, something that has brought great pain to this earth happened in the birth of Ishmael. Sarah didn't wait, and brought pain. I want to wait on the Lord, His timing is perfect.

I then asked Dan whether he thought it was bad that I was going to this doctor. He mentioned that going to this doctor isn't strictly for babies. There's been at least two health issues that have been discovered for me through this that pose other health risks that have nothing to do with babies/fertility. I never would have known that unless we had seen this doctor. He also mentioned that we both have peace with this decision.

So, all in all, it was an amazing conversation and the part about striving to accomplish what only God can accomplish was huge to me.

There's the update for this week! Next appointment is on Wednesday. We're praying for two follicles that we can trigger, blessings on all my baby parts, and speed and accuracy for the spermies (hahaha, wow), and for God's Will to be done no matter what.


I know there's been some issues with the commenting system, but hopefully that is resolved now. I love you all and I can't wait to continue sharing this journey.

Ash

Update: Clomid Round 2

Well, since there wasn't a frantic excited mess of posts on Facebook about me being pregnant, most of you probably gathered that we are still preparing the 9 month home for baby Dashlee! Okay with me, since a July due date means miserable end of pregnancy. AND! I ovulated! This is good news. ;)

I started the second (well, second with this doctor. Round 6 overall) round of Clomid on the 4th. I noticed some more emotional symptoms this time around... since Clomid stimulates your ovaries by forcing you to produce more estrogen, and in menopause you produce nearly 4 times the amount of estrogen you produce normally, I'm nearly positive Dan is in for it when I hit menopause. Poor, poor soul. Other than being incredibly awful as a person in general for a week, I felt pretty good physically considering everything going on.

As you may (or may not) recall, before when I was taking Clomid, it was working fine, then suddenly it just stopped working at all. I didn't ovulate at all the last time I took it and had to reset myself with hormones. That's when they referred me to my current doctor. Well, I had my ultrasound today and it seems like the same thing is happening again. The ultrasound showed no mature follicles whatsoever... last time I only had one. He wants to give me another week to see if I will produce enough estrogen on my own, and therefore produce at least one mature follicle that we can trigger. Otherwise, he will just up the dose to what I was on before, and we'll try again.

So basically, it seems like I build up a resistance to Clomid over time. A particular dosage will work once, but then we have to up the dose for it to work next time. You can only do this so many times, because a dosage of 150mg is as high as you can go or you will hyperstimulate. I was on 50mg this cycle. The next dose is 100mg, then after that 150. So at max I probably have only two more cycles on Clomid (hopefully less, yes???). Thereafter, if I don't get pregnant, we would probably move on to injectables such as Follistim. Those are way more expensive than what we're doing now, so hopefully it doesn't get that far ;)

What I find interesting about this whole thing, is that I actually knew what was going on before the ultrasound even happened. Same thing with last ultrasound. I knew last time that my right ovary had a huge follicle, and it did. This time, I knew nothing was really happening down there, simply because of the way I felt. Just goes to say that yes, you can know your body, and you can and should tell doctors what you think is going on. And not only that, but they should believe you. ;) There are a lot of wackos out there, but the average woman is truly able to understand her body.

So! There's an update! I pretty much feel like this blog is going somewhere. I don't know how and I don't know why but I feel like I can use it to help a lot of people, so that's my plan. As a sneak peak, there will be some more "How-To:" posts, and probably a series on NFP (Natural Family Planning) to get you acquainted with my crazy gibberish and also to educate anyone interested. Right now, I'm working on "How To: Be The Kind of Husband An Infertile Needs." Yay! I'm taking a while on this one, because I want to be tactful but blunt, and I definitely lean towards the blunt side with very little tact. So, trying to balance myself out. ;)

I'm also looking on the bright side about all this: If I were to have already ovulated, I would've only ovulated once. Which takes my chances for twins down to about 1%. If I go on the next dose, I'm about 49% more likely to have twins. For a weeks wait? I think I'll take that... I know you all probably think I'm crazy for wanting twins, but I seriously do. Might as well get two out of the way at once if it's going to be this hard! ;)

I love every single one of you. My heart is so full of .... whatever fuzzy feeling you care to name everytime someone tells me this blog means something to them, or that they're praying for me, Dan, and FBD. It's literally so awesome, I just want to cry. Happy tears :)

Until next time! (aka, next Wednesday)

Ash, Dan, and FBD

How To: Be The Kind of Husband an Infertile Needs

Okay, I know if you are struggling with infertility and have a husband who tends to be less than understanding (or even one who tries to be and doesn't really succeed), you're probably going to call him as soon as you read this, make him write down the URL to this post on a sticky note and demand that he not only read it, but apply it. Please don't do that. Not only would you be an insensitive wife at that point, but I really don't want this blog to be one of those "my wife is making me read this" kind of blogs. I want husbands who genuinely seek to better understand their wives to have a place to come that will hopefully give them some much needed insight into the world of women.

A whole ton of women are blessed with amazing husbands who want to help. Problem is, women push them away a lot of the time. I empathize with the desire to do that... it's hard to remain vulnerable when you get let down month after month after convincing yourself you didn't really get your hopes up this month, and when you see that single line you realize you really did have your hopes up. It's hard. But when has it ever been okay not to do something because it's hard? Try to find me an example where that worked for someone in the Bible... if you do please share it. I've been looking for one to justify my wants. ;-)

I did a lot of research for this post. Internet, book excerpts, and personal conversations with my husband over the length of our journey. Research into what men feel in the battle with infertility, and what women want their husbands to be. In order to understand what you want from your husband, you probably need to understand what he's feeling. Before reading any more, please let go of the idea that the woman is the only one that will feel the pain of infertility in your relationship. It's not true.

I was talking to a friend about Dan's initial fertility workup results. His first counts came back low on everything: motility, morphology, and production. She made a good point that I think is a foundation for what women need to realize; Men want to provide for their wives, and they may see being able to get their wife pregnant as a way to provide for them. Nearly every woman knows the importance of their husband feeling capable and strong. I know if my sweet Dan is feeling inadequate, it's a bad day. Imagine having that constantly lingering over your head. Even if your hubby doens't have anything wrong with him, if you're not getting pregnant, he will probably hold some feeling of responsibility. Men are geared that way. They are fixers. If something is wrong (especially if something is affecting their wife), they will want to do anything to fix it. But with infertility, they can't. They have to learn to comfort you in the midst of it. The hardest part for them is probably seeing you in pain. They feel the loss of a dream, the broken heart, but they feel your pain most, because they're helpless.

So, there's that to get you out of your pity party for yourself. :) You're not the only one that has it rough, and don't let yourself fall into feeling sorry for yourself. While it is generally true that the woman feels more pain than the man, often we discount the pain our hubbies are feeling because we don't see it as enough pain. Being perfectly honest, that's horrible.

For the Husbands:

Your wife needs you now, but she probably doesn't need you how you think she needs you. Going with her to doctor's appointments, being there for every procedure, giving her the injections, reminding her to take her pills, and probably dishing out tons of money in an effort to get pregnant are all very important to her, and can't be forgotten. But more than you fixing the situation, she needs you to understand her. Anybody can  understand someone else. Empathy on the other hand is hard to come by if you don't understand what the other is feeling. But she's not asking for empathy (actually, if you try to empathize with her, she'll probably wonder why you think you can. You're not female, you don't have motherhood ingrained into you, you don't have a uterus, you don't have to go through a cycle every month. It would be supernatural if you could). She wants understanding. She wants you to recognize when she's hurting. She wants you to wrap her up in your lap and say "you're really hurting today aren't you? I can't make it better, but I can promise I'll be here with you." She wants you to jump in with a subject change or a conversation diversion when a friend says something hurtful to her and she's stumbling over words, trying to be polite and not show that she was just deeply hurt. She wants to be known, to be felt, to be loved with all of your being. Because that's among the most important thing she has on this earth, and whether she realizes it or admits it, she's scared to death of losing that in the infertility storm, too.

There will undoubtedly be times where you feel like she doesn't care about you anymore, and you wonder if all she wants from you anymore is your sperm. I'm not even going to lie to you, there are times when the motherly instinct is so strong, so all consuming, that may not be too far off. But please realize and understand that once her hormones aren't dominating her thought processes and she can think clearly again, you will be just as (if not more) important to her than you were 3 days ago.

And guys...this doesn't last forever. Even if your journey is unsuccessful (something that once your wife realizes may happen, and accepts it, will be an amazing rejuvenation for your relationship), many women will come to accept this as her lot and there will come a point where this is not a constant issue for her. Will she have that spot in her heart forever? Probably. But will it always consume her thoughts until you get pregnant? Probably not. There is hope. There is always hope.

Bottom line: She needs you. All of you. And when you feel sorrow in the midst of this, make sure to talk with her about it. It will help her to know that you are indeed feeling this at least a little bit. It will help her feel less crazy if you are open with what you are going through as well. And please... PLEASE pray for her and for your future babies. And let her hear you pray for her... there's absolutely nothing that you could say to her that would be as effective and that would reach her heart better than prayer and allowing Jesus to do His work in her.

And, if you're totally clueless and want more specific help, shoot me an email. :) I am happy to help.

I am going to start praying for all the infertile women in the world often. I don't want to ever hurt anyone by saying something dumb. I don't want to ever lead a hurting woman astray... and most of all I want every hurting woman to have the comfort that I have found in Jesus.

How To: Being A Friend Of An Infertile

As I said in my introduction post, the purpose of this post will not be to encourage an infertile person to wallow in their own self pity, or to allow bad behavior to continue. Infertile people can feel sorry for themselves like no one else can, and while some say we might have a good reason, to be honest, we don't! The purpose of this post is to let people on the outside into the world of infertility, so that you might be better equipped to encourage, and to be honest, to hopefully prevent you from saying something that could hurt your friend, and then your relationship.

Unfortunately, infertility isn't usually a topic women feel comfortable throwing out there to the general public, or even to close friends. While that is usually the case, there are people like me who are comfortable with talking about almost anything with almost anyone. Biblically, if you need prayer for something, you are to ask for it. But, people have deemed it 'personal' or 'private,' when in reality, this is probably the time a woman needs to be open the most. The way different women deal with their infertility journey is as different as each of their personalities, but there are some universal commonalities in there also.

Please understand that this post will come across as very sarcastic because I am going to try to portray what goes on in a woman's head who struggles with infertility. With that in mind, here are a few tips.


1. First of all, research your friends condition (see point 3 before you do ANYTHING). 
          There are a bagillion and one reasons for infertility, so Google will be your best friend. If your friend doesn't have to explain every little detail to you about every process she's going through, she will feel more open and more understood.
          *As a side note, if your friend doesn't know what her condition is, she needs to be seen by a doctor.
               Even if she is putting off a doctor's visit because she thinks she'll get pregnant on her own, her            health may be at risk and she won't know it until she sees a doctor.

2. Realize there are different stages of dealing with infertility. 
          There's the newbie, the never-ending optimist... she's been trying for about 6 months, maybe even seen a doctor, or tried some of the less invasive fertility treatments. She believes the problem is temporary and that she'll most likely get pregnant on her own by some miracle. She doesn't need too much in the way of special friendship. It's hard for her, but she doesn't feel broken or separate from the rest of the world.
          There's the long term, tried every treatment she's willing to try, involved infertile... she's tried for so long she forgets exactly when she started. She knows that even if she does get a positive pregnancy test she won't believe it until she's showing. She feels alienated from society and from anyone who can't understand exactly what she's going through because they've been there. She constantly carries the pain of what she perceives as never being able to have a child. Though she may not show it, she is sensitive and easily bruised. It is constantly on her mind, and only sometimes can she push it to the background. In every month, there are two weeks of impatience and two weeks of worry, then a couple days to a couple weeks of depression after the negative blood work. Then the cycle begins again, and she won't quit trying, because if she does, she might miss 'the month.' This is the woman who needs a friend the most, but the one who pushes back so hard when you try to help that you wonder if you are doing more harm than good (and just so you know, she needs attention, whether she thinks she wants it or not. Keep on Keepin' On...).
          There's the Old Timer. She's tough. Infertility is part of who she is. She's been through the Dark Ages of infertility and has come to realize that while the whole situation is almost all total suckage, it's not going to kill you, and there ARE other things to life than having children. She begins to laugh at herself for all of the silly things they tried to get pregnant by doing (ahem, standing on your head and doing bicycle motions with your legs after sex?), and laugh that they took things so seriously. They replace tears of sorrow with tears of joy, that they've made it through, and that infertility is no longer defining them. If you were friends with your infertile before she started her journey, you will start to remember what she was like before.
          Women move through these stages at different paces. Taking on the job of being friend to an infertile is not an easy job. You constantly have to adjust your actions and attitudes, and it wears on you. Being friends with a woman in the Dark Ages of infertility is the worst... her world usually shrinks to the universe of infertility and she usually knows she's going to go insane if something doesn't break. Her reaction to you has almost nothing to do with your ability to friend at this stage. It has everything to do with her ability to cope. The best advice I have for you if you're friending a woman at this stage is to love her from a distance. If she's ready to talk, she will come to you. For the other two stages, a closer, more intimate relationship is often needed for her. She will most likely choose the person she feels 'gets her' the most and pour out her soul to this person. If you're not that person, it doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be friends with you, it means she chose the person she's most comfortable with. Try not to read into it.
3. Don't give advice unless she asks.
          Remember, the stuff you read on the internet is stuff she tried in Fertility 101. She's been there, done that, didn't work, moved on. Yes, she's tried cough syrup and grapefruit juice to increase cervical mucous. She's taken a baby asprin to prevent miscarriages. She's probably tried everything you could think of to tell her to try months ago. And PLEASE, whatever you do, don't tell her to 'just relax' or 'stress can prevent pregnancy, girl!'.... yes, she knows. But would you tell someone who has cancer to just relax? Probably not. Infertility is a disease, and not only that, but you can't 'just relax.' It's constantly on your mind, no matter what you do. And yes, she's tried Chamomile tea before bed to try to relax her system. Relaxing will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. If she asks you for advice, first of all, that's amazing. Second, be gentle and make sure what you say accounts for her feelings, rather than just facts. Infertility is an emotional journey primarily, and advice given needs to echo that.
4. Please, never, ever, never ever, say something like "Maybe you weren't meant to have children."
          Most infertiles are very understanding people. They will usually nod and smile when someone says "It's probably just God's Will that you don't have a baby right now..." at dinner, but when they get in the car with their hubby they either start bawling or get angry. Because while it may be true that it's not God's Will for me to have a baby right now, you've just said something that makes you feel better and makes me feel worse, and thank you for reminding me at this lovely dinner that I may never have children. While it is important that your friend accepts and wants to be within God's Will, it's still a topic that is sensitive and can easily bruise someone. And the worst part is that you'll probably never know that you hurt your friend's feelings, and your friend will be wondering if she can muster up the courage to do the right thing and tell you about it. How about "Oh, my friend got pregnant naturally after 20 years of trying." "Oh, thanks. Great for her, it's really got nothing to do with my situation, because I don't ovulate. Can't get pregnant if you don't ovulate!!!" Or "I would NEVER do IVF/IUI/Clomid..." Okay... thanks for telling me.... ??
5. Announcing pregnancies, baby showers, birthdays, etc.
          The best advice I can give here, is don't treat her any different than you would a normal person. Though she feels different and isolated, the last thing she wants is for people to actually treat her that way. She knows what she can handle, and she'll be happy to decline an invitation if she needs to. If she's having a bad baby day, say, she just got her period, then she will decline. If she thinks she can handle it, or particularly if she is involved in your and your child's life, she will probably attend. As far as telling an infertile that you're pregnant, don't worry about it. The time in an infertile's life where her friends getting pregnant bothers her is usually a short one, and generally she will want to be more involved in your pregnancy than will your other friends. It will be a temptation for her to live vicariously through you, but she will probably try to resist that and just be a help. Invite her to ultrasounds if you're close, and let her feel your belly when you start showing more.... she'll love getting the chance to feel the baby move.
6. If you don't know how to act, ask.
          Truly, there's nothing more frustrating to an infertile than people who don't understand her, that act like they do. And there's few things more relieving than a friend asking how she wants to be treated. She will tell you honestly. This should probably be number one, but I didn't think of it until just now ;)

Some women deal with infertility better than others, but no matter how badly your friend is handling it, she doesn't need to be treated like an eggshell. If her attitudes are not Biblical, confront her. If she is stuck in a rut of self pity, confront her! An infertile shouldn't be allowed to continue in sin because she is in a rough situation.

I hope this helped clear up some of your questions if you are a friend of an infertile person. Some of the most miserable times for me is when I feel like anything I say to someone might be taken the wrong way!

T-4 days till next blog update...

Love you all,

Ash

Upcoming: A How-To Post (Or a series... Depending On My Mood)

I'm still in the process of deciding whether to make this a series of posts or just one, so we shall see what it turns into.

I feel a huge need to get some info out there to the world about how to interact with someone experiencing infertility. A couple is often more sensitive to certain topics when going through infertility, and friendships can be broken if one is not aware how to handle themselves.

The last thing I want to advocate is to encourage wrong behavior by catering to it. This is not what I'm suggesting, nor am I suggesting that you walk on eggshells around someone who didn't get pregnant within the first three months of trying. I DO want to advocate sensitivity and an open heart. I DO want to save friendships that would otherwise most likely have been lost because of a simple misunderstanding. It is truly tragic that women who have never gone through infertility see it as their duty to inform women who are in the midst of it how to deal with the situation, not because they can't have good, solid, Biblical advice, but because often they say something with only good intentions that really hurts their friend. And most of the time, they're oblivious to it.

So, with that in mind, I just wanted to give a little introduction into what I'll be working on the next few days. If you know anyone who has a fertility problem, I highly encourage you to read the next (or, next few) post(s). And not just because I want readers, either... ;-P

Ash

The Way I Roll...

I have to tell you all the 'boring' stuff.

First, the pills they have me on are not, I REPEAT! NOT making me ill! This is a huge praise, because every other time I have taken multivitamins they never agreed with me. So, since I don't really have a choice in taking these ones, it's awesome that they aren't causing adverse side effects. The only thing I've really noticed is that I was a bit more tired than usual, but that is pretty much gone now.

Second, the Clomid also made me less ill this time around. I was on a lower dose, so that's probably why.

Third, definitely my ovaries are bigger. If you looked at my stomach you would ask me if I'd gained weight... or if I was 8 weeks pregnant. Your pick.

When I went to the doc on Wednesday, my ovaries were nice and huge... multiple follicles in each one and on my right side, one that was 18mm! Go ovaries! Go Clomid! So, Doc told me to go ahead and give myself the hCG trigger shot that night at 6 (which just so happened to be right before Wednesday night church, when I just so happen to be in the sound room). Dan rushed home from work to be able to give me the shot... cutie. :) This is what the shot looks like!

The needle is literally the size of a tic-tac, which, BTW, is so much smaller than what I THOUGHT it was going to be. Sometimes they trigger you with a 20 gage needle... in your butt... Lucky me I got the tic-tac kind :) I felt super nauseated for about 4 hours afterwards, but after that I was fine. Other than that, really just my typical early pregnancy symptoms. I can smell a lot better too, and almost threw up when I smelled a banana. I'm going to be the worst pregnant woman ever.

Well, there's two things I need to tell you in order for you to understand what I am about to show you. First, I AM NOT PREGNANT right now. Second, I am addicted to peeing on sticks. Yes, you read that right. I LOVE peeing on ovulation tests and pregnancy tests. It's like an adventure of finding out whats going on in your body. So, as you can imagine, considering they gave me a shot of the pregnancy hormone, I went a little crazy (and to be honest, still am going crazy) with the pee-sticks. To make a loooonnnggg story VERY short, LH (luteinizing hormone) is the hormone that makes you ovulate. You get a surge of this hormone 24 to 36 hours before you ovulate, and it prepares the egg to make it's appearance. Well, hCG (the pregnancy hormone) is the exact same hormone, except with a little 'beta' tag on the end of the protein structure that makes it. Well, ovulation tests test for LH, pregnancy tests test for hCG, so since LH is so similar to hCG, I wanted to see if an ovulation test would turn positive if I had the pregnancy hormone in my system. You can see the results for yourself!

*Green = Ovulation Test

*Pink = Pregnancy Test

Um, yeah, seems like the ovulation test is even more sensitive than the pregnancy test! So, while this is not a definite conclusion of pregnant vs. not pregnant (since some people get another LH surge right before their period), I think I'll be using OPK's for pregnancy tests for a while. 1, because they work. 2, because they are WAAAAYYYYY cheaper!

So, now that that's all cleared up...

Alllllll of my pills also came in this last week. There's a lot of them. I mean a LOT of them. I feel like an old person, and have been scouring garage sales on Saturday mornings for a pill box. I have to take massive, MASSIVE amounts of folic acid, B12, and B6. I have a prenatal with lots of folic acid, two pills of Folgard, which is my prescription amount of the folic acid, B6 and B12 (which, in case you're wondering, comes out to 4.4 MG of folic acid, 24 MG B12 and 12 MG B6. Recommended doses for pregnant women are 800 mcg - 1MG, 4MG, and 3MG, respectively), and 800 mcg of folate (the kind of folic acid I can actually use). Plus, did I mention I hate swallowing pills???

There they are, in all their glory. Add another to this, when I'm taking Clomid.

Left to right: Zinc, Folgard, folate, iron, prenatal, intestinal complex,

baby asprin (to thin blood), folate, Folgard.

Yeah, that's pretty intense, I know. I would rather have them put all that into a shot and take the shot, I really would. I'd pay big money for it too.

So, as of this morning (Friday) it's been about 45 hours since the shot and I do feel like I'm ovulating (if I'm not, I probably have appendicitis). According to Doc, we timed everything perfectly and have a good chance of getting pregnant this cycle (to which I add... Lord Willing. If there's one thing I learned, it's that no matter how far you go with doctors, they still aren't God and you aren't getting pregnant without God's help).

So far, so good! Now I'm sitting here praying my brains out for blessing on the spermies and my eggy... and for FBD. :) We've done all we can this cycle, so now we pray and we see what happens! I go next friday for a progesterone test to see if I have enough to sustain a pregnancy, and then on the 31st for a blood pregnancy test if I haven't already started by then.

And again, I really will be happy either way. I want to be in God's Will, because what He has is always best. If I don't get pregnant this month, I will know it's in my best interest. That's all! I don't want a baby now if that's not what He wants! It's pretty simple. I have the best husband in the world who is my best friend... we have so much fun and I can't even ask for anything else. I'm so happy right now I can barely stand it, and I'm so thankful. So, if I blog and say "We are not pregnant" let's not have any of the pity parties that people like to throw for infertile people... I really am happy and will be totally ecstatic if I am, if I'm not, I will be just as happy as I am now! No reason for a sad face! The only thing that makes me want to feel sorry for myself is when people say "Oh no, I'm so sorry!" I know you're trying to be nice, but for real! I'm NOT sorry, why are you??? (I'm cracking myself up. Just thought you should know.)

So. We covet your prayers way more than anything else. I know there are so many of you praying for us already and I just have to say in every blog post THANK YOU SO MUCH! Gives new meaning to the verse "For this child I have prayed..." I have a bagillion people praying with me! Awesome. Just. Awesome. Gives me chills, it really does.

Later for now!

Ash, Dan, and FBD

MTHFR And The Happy Ending

If you have no clue about clotting/gene disorders, and are not generally a medically informed person, you probably think I just abbreviated a nasty word and made it my blog title. However, I will explain.

First, I had another appointment with Doc today. He wanted a full appointment to discuss our test results and determine which course of treatment would be the best.

Let's go over my general results first. We discovered that my ovaries are pretty much dormant on their own. I don't even try to ovulate at all without some kind of outside stimulation. He's not sure why, but he thinks if I get pregnant, the problem will fix itself, and I'll return to my normal, ovulatory self after I deliver, and if I don't for whatever reason, we'll see about treatment then. We also found that as far as hormones, everything is normal baseline. I do look like I can produce a ton of eggs, so that's positive :)

With all of this positivity I was starting to get negative. "What if nothing is wrong, and it's just not happening for some unknown reason?" I said to myself. My biggest fear = the unknown, and I'm trying to do better. But then he said "This is the only thing that came back weird."

He pulled out a piece of paper and told me that I have a double gene mutation. It's called Compound Heterozygous Methylenetetrahydrofolate Reductase. It's called MTHFR for short. Without going into extreme depth and detail, I have a mutation on my A1298C gene and my C677T gene. Those are actually positions on genes, but you get the basic idea. It causes me not to be able to turn folic acid into folate, which is the 'useable' form of the nutrient.

It is also a clotting disorder, so the less grand news is that I have a good chance of having a stroke or heart attack when I get older. However, this

explains SO many health problems I've had, and, since it is in fact a clotting disorder, it explains all of my miscarriages, or at least certainly gives a very good case that it could be the culprit.

There are four types of this disorder, and I have the more popular (as in, more people have this, than the other kinds), and of the four, this is the most serious version of it.

AH-HA!!! So, there IS something wrong with me, this isn't just 'really bad luck', and I actually do have a good chance that with treatment, I'll get pregnant right away. Since the treatment is only one more pill a day to my current 3, I definitely don't have a problem with that.

As far as Dan's results, we were pleasantly surprised. His count came up by 8 million (yes, 8 million.... good job, sweetie. :), and his morphology is better. His motility is still a little low, but Doc says we can work with that. SO, we don't have to pay $500 per cycle to get treatment at this point...

Right now the plan is to proceed with the previous plan, which was Clomid for cycle days 5-9 and I go in for an appointment on the 12th for an ultrasound to see if I have any follicles, or 'follies" as we call them. The goal is for at least one egg to be around 16-22 mm, so that we can then trigger the release of that egg with a shot of pregnancy hormone. Which looks like this!

This whole time I really was thinking I was going to have to do this shot intramuscularly, but ALAS! I get the short stubby little needle instead! Pleasant surprise, after trying four different pharmacies and waiting almost 2 hours (meandering around Walmart AND being entertained is only possible for so long) for my prescription to be filled.

I start the Clomid tonight, so we're praying for at least two follies on Wednesday and obviously pregnancy about two weeks after that :) We're also praying for the new meds and vitamins Doc has me on to not make me totally ill... which has been known to happen to me with multivitamins.

All in all, I'm still loving this doctor, and I'm still learning so much at this point. I've really learned to be content in my life right now. I mean really, who could complain in my situation?? I have everything I need to be extremely comfortable and I'm WAY to the point where I thought I'd never get... Where I really will be okay if I never have children. I seriously never thought I'd say that.

Welp! As always... still praying to be preggers by Decemeber and while we're praying we might as well pray for twins! :)

Love you all, thanks for the prayers and for the read!

Ash, Dan, and FBD

*Insert Witty Title Here..."

Yes, time for another update. I should probably write about something else on this blog too, but for some reason I don't feel like people would be particularly interested in it...

*Crickets*

Alrighty then, moving on.

Well, I went to see my new doc today. He's a real pal! I went in, had every vital known to man taken with the nurse, and then was shown to a very modern, calming waiting room to wait to speak with the doctor. Seriously, the room was nice. Vaulted ceilings, warm paint colors, book shelves as tall as the ceiling... fertility must be a booming business.

The doc came in and for the next 25 minutes Dan and I answered questions.

Yes, 25 minutes. He actually sat down and asked us questions for 25 minutes.

Amazing.

He asked everything from what diseases did my grandmother have to "what do YOU think the problem is?" to if I'd ever been pregnant before. He wins the prize for "most in-depth history taker."

Then he said it like it is. He said "We have two problems here which may or may not be related. You don't ovulate on your own for one. We're going to find out why, then we're going to find out what I can do to make you work. I'm going to make this my problem, so you stop charting, stop trying to time sex, and stop taking OPK's, and I'll tell you when to do what. The second problem is that you tend to miscarry once you do get pregnant. We need to figure out why, because there's no point in getting you pregnant when you might just miscarry."

After that, he took me straight to ultrasound. A rather uncomfortable ultrasound. And by uncomfortable I mean really freaking cold.

He looked at the screen for about 3 seconds before he told me that I have polycystic ovaries. Hmmm.... that's funny, because when I had an ultrasound done in April they told me I was fine. Now, polycystic ovaries are different than polycystic ovarian syndrome. I don't have any markers of the syndrome, which is very encouraging. Most likely the multiple cysts are due to my other doctor putting me on clomid for 3 cycles without monitoring me by ultrasound. After he said that he turned the screen around to me, and showed me what I was looking at. First of all, my ovaries are double the size they should be (Oh, yay! That's not the 5 pounds I gained that's making me look pregnant!). Second of all, there's literally about 20 eggs in my right ovary waiting to develop, and about 10 in my left ovary. This is good news. :)

So, that was the baseline ultrasound. Now, Dan has to have some tests run, I need to get my bloodwork back (which will take two weeks, because they took literally [I'm not exaggerating] 20 vials of blood from me this morning), and then I go back for another ultrasound. Then if everything looks good, I start back on the clomid, only this time with ultrasound monitoring everyday, and a trigger shot to time the exact hour that I ovulate.

Yes, the exact hour.

That's pretty awesome.

So, that's our story! Right now we're praying that Dan's test results come back good enough so that we don't have to go straight to IUI...because that would be really expensive.

Also, I have started praying veeeerrrryyyy specifically that if it's in the Lord's Will, that I would be pregnant by December. I also add in there "and while You're at it, if it could be twins, that would be really awesome...." I'd love it if you would pray with me.

I always like to add what I've learned in the last month... and truly, this last month, I've learned to be content, and I pray everyday that it will stick. I am so in love with my husband, I have a great house, I have a brand new car, I have awesome friends and family, and I have two little furbabies and one on the way. I have also learned that whatever I need, God will give to me. So if I don't have a baby right now, that means I don't need one!

I don't know too many people who can say this, but I am so thankful to be able to honestly tell you that I wouldn't change a thing. I've learned so much over the past 10 months, I can't imagine still being like I was in December. Praise the Lord for growing me!

So, from now on there will probably be more frequent updates, so stay tuned :)

Love,

Ash, Dan, and FBD

The Infertility Phenomenon: Part 3

I reeeaaallllyyyyyy thought about (and please forgive me, Lord, for my horrendous thought processes...) calling this post "The Never-ending Story, Part 1", but used my better judgement (after being convicted about said horrendous attitude), and just stuck with the original title.

It's been a bit over a month now, but blog posts are getting closer and closer together, so we'll call that progress.

First, last month was quite aweful, if I am brutally honest (which I intend to be in this post...). Also, to be honest, Clomid does in fact make you feel very pregnant during your TWW (two week wait), and when you then see the trademark drop in temperatures toward Aunt Flo's visiting time, it's rather disheartening, and makes you feel like you might want to give up on the idea of having a baby. Becaaaauuusssseee......

youcan'ttryagainnextmonthit'stooexhaustinganditwillneverreallyworkanywayit'seasiernottogetmyhopesup....

And then I remember 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 and Romans 8:28, and I have to get over myself.

So alas, we try again this month! Or so we think...

It seems as though my body is just as fickle as I feel. While the Clomid did in fact make me ovulate for 3 cycles, suddenly it just stops working. I do see the grace in this, though, as you will see as I explain further.

It seems as though the side effects get worse every cycle. I've been having some pretty severe stomach issues this time around, including losing weight and throwing up (only once, but trust me, 1 Clomid puke is enough for me....). So, I call me doctor and ask what to do about this. She calls me back, and tells me "probably should just wait it out this cycle, we'll see what we can do next time." Alright, fair enough. Meanwhile, we're finding out there's problems with fertility on both ends of the stick around these parts. However, the results were more encouraging than they could have been.

Weeeelllll.....26 days, no ovulation, and several nights of no sleep later, she tells me to start the progesterone to get me to have a period, and we'll try something else next cycle.

Next day, I call her and leave her yet another message. By now, after 25 days of feeling like my ovaries might explode any minute, I'm thinking I might need some more observation, and maybe an hCG trigger shot to help time things better. I tell her as much, and wait for a call back.

The next day (this day being yesterday, the 18th), I get a call from Lynn, my wonderful nurse practitioner. Here is how our conversation went.

L: Dr. Thomas and I had a conference about you today...

A: Oh yeah?

L: Yes. We think we're going to have to send you to the 'big guys'.

A: Why's that?

L: Two reasons. One, you know what you need before we do, and that's been evident. Problem is, we can't do what you need in this office. Two, Dr. Thomas thinks that since Dan is low, and

we already know there's problems on your end, that you might need some IUI.

A: That sounds awesome. Who are you sending me to?

L: Dr. Chamoun...

.........Ecstatic! I've been waiting for 4 months for her to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist, so this is wonderful news. This means no more swallowing pills, I get to take shots (which I much prefer to gagging on bitter pills that get stuck in your throat. Weird, I know), and they will monitor me every other day with ultrasounds. However.... this guy looks like a total creeper. Not to mention, he's a guy...

I've had a total issue with strange men doing vaginal ultrasounds on me since I can remember, so I'm not relishing that idea. However, I am relishing every other idea that comes with going to him, so I think I will be able to get past it.

...I think.

Next up, is a test to make sure my fallopian tubes aren't blocked up with tissue, preventing the egg from getting to where it needs to go to get fertilized. I've heard this can either be extremely painful or nothing at all, so I'm not too worried about it and I'm happy I'll be able to get results instantly as well. So awesome!

Looking back, I kind of feel like we're just starting our journey to pregnancy...all this other stuff feels like it's been a test run, and now we're doing the real thing. Operation Baby Dashlee was in testing phases, and has now been practiced enough to be put out in the field. ....or something like that.

T'would be really nice to be good at writing while trying to put into one spot your journey for others to read, but I think you get the picture. ;) I know there are many, many people praying for us and we appreciate that so much. I'm continually amazed when people I barely know come up to me and tell me they're praying for me to have a baby. It touches me somewhere deep and I know Dan appreciates it, too.

Speaking of Dan.... He is my superhero. He's been my rock and my shoulder through the whole thing, and while it may not be possible for him to understand everything I'm feeling, he's always been there to support me. I couldn't have asked for a better husband or traveling companion on this journey. I could write a whole blogpost on it...

My next test is scheduled for Tuesday morning, I will keep you all updated either on Facebook or here. Probably Facebook, until next month. ;)

Again, thank you so much for the prayers. I'm at the point where I know I can't control whether I get pregnant or not, only God can. Prayers are definitely the most comforting thing to me right now, and I can feel 'em!!! :-D

Until next time,

Ashlee, Dan, and FBD

The Infertility Phenomenon: Part 2

It makes sense for there to be a fertility update once a month, right? ....

Well, I'm only a little late.

To update you on our location, we are now moved into our new house and every room to be painted, is painted. I am adjusting quite well, and Dan seems like he never missed a beat.

I tell you this, because I hate reading people's blogs and having no idea what their life outside of blogging is like. Just like whenever I text someone, I like to know what kind of phone they have so I can imagine them texting on it. Call me weird, but quirks make people interesting.

Fortunately, I didn't end up having to be on the medication while we were moving, which was a huge blessing considering I had no idea what the side effects would have been. Based on the horror stories I've heard of the potential side effects of Clomid, I feel like I had an easy go of it. But let me tell you, the side effects I did feel, I was VERY aware of.

My ovaries felt like grapfruits. I looked 9 weeks pregnant, and Heaven forbid I would bend the wrong way. Thankfully, I'm only on Clomid for 5 days per cycle, and the side effects change when I'm not actively taking it.

Yep, they change. From massive ovaries to certifiably crazy. But only for two days.

All in all, not so bad! (Let's not talk to Dan about that particular sentence.)

Except I ovulated on cycle day 4. That's a little too early to be effective unless you want to be gross. Totally caught me off guard. There I was waiting to ovulate, and Aunt Flo shows up instead. Not a fan of her, these days.

SO, on to next month. Days 5-9 bring more grapefruit ovaries and more craziness. Don't get me wrong, I would rather have side effects and feel like this is potentially working, than have no side effects and have no clue whether I'm chugging pills for no reason. Ah, the things we do to fulfill our maternal instincts.

I am currently cycle day 20 and the medication did work as far as I can tell. It's been a weird cycle with multiple positive OPK's and some insane symptoms, most of which are too TMI to throw out there in a blog post, but whatever happens, happens, and I'll just be happy I ovulated.

But for those of you who are wondering, there IS a chance I could be pregnant. No way was I doing the side effect thing without actually trying. Now we must play my least favorite game in the world.

The waiting game.

Yes, that is bold AND italic. I thought about capitalizing as well, but that seemed a little too melodramatic. Even for me.

So, that's where we're at! I'm just relaxing and trying not to think too much about it, as in the last 6 months that's gotten me all of nowhere. Let me just tell you, though, that if I'm not pregnant, someone will need to tell me where this insane appetite is coming from. I'm going to eat myself out of house and home.

The most frequent question running through my mind is one I know I'll never be able to answer well enough to satisfy my curiosity until I'm dead and I get to have my long awaited talk with Jesus. When I go to Wal-Mart and see the overweight, unhealthy looking woman screaming at her 6 obnoxiously loud and rambunctious kids all under the age of 9 to "PUT YOUR HANDS ON MY BODY!!!" and then proceed to pay the cashier with her government issued food stamps, I really have to wonder how it is that she gets to have those children which she clearly neither appreciates, nor takes care of, when there are SO MANY couples (literally, 6 that I know of and can count immediately popping into my head) that would give a whole lot just to be able to have one of those babies.

I know it's all God's design, but I am trying not to be a hypocrite and pretend I don't wonder how that makes sense. Ultimately it comes down to whether I trust God with my future.

Let me tell you the beautiful thing: I've learned to trust Him without even realizing that's what He was teaching me. This whole time I think He's teaching me patience, and while that may be a nice secondary lesson, I have to learn, realize, and accept that His plan is always going to be better than mine.

Even if that does include overweight moms screaming at their precious gifts wrapped in children's bodies in Wal-Mart, and me not having one.

We'll keep you updated! Until next time, the prayers for Operation: Baby Dashlee are SO MUCH appreciated! It touches us that people would pray so hard for something that affects them so little.

Love you all!

Dan, Ash, and FBD (Future Baby Dashlee)

The Infertility Phenomenon

Alas! it is time for me to explain in one place what's going on with our baby situation. So buckle your seatbelts, and grab a cup of coffee or tea.

A dear, dear friend recently told me about how openness is a huge need in women. Vulnerability is hard, and even harder for some, but how will other people learn from out mistakes if we're not honest and open about our struggles, needs, and failures (past and present)? I consider myself a pretty open person. If you ask me a question, I'll answer it the best I know how, even down the the nitty gritty. But I'm also trying to move out of my comfort zone a little bit, and that means throwing a blog post out there about something that is very near and dear to my heart. Not only will this give me something to reference when another inquiry (when are you and Dan going to have a baby???) comes along, but also it will be a good place for me to come and practice being even more open and vulnerable than I have been.

Fertility is TMI for some people. I am doing my best to respect that (not plastering this all over facebook!) so as not to offend anyone, but at the same time I do feel this blog and my experiences can be of benefit to someone. In another way, I'm also doing this so that I can look back on it later and see how I've grown through this struggle. There's few things more uplifting than looking at old diaries, Facebook posts, or old edits of pictures to see how far you've come. So, with that in mind, let's start at the beginning, shall we?

I'll first say I'm not a huge fan of hormonal birth control. There are several reasons for this, but that's a completely different post (or hundreds of posts....). When I'm on birth control it wrecks havoc on my health (I was on bed-rest for a month once). Not only that, but I'm sure I go insane whenever I'm on it. Certifiably insane. Once, I was cleaning the bathroom. I dropped my toothbrush in the sink and the battery popped out of it. I broke DOWN.

Yes. Insane.

Because of my complete and utter disdain for birth control, I went with the natural family planning method. Charting, taking temperatures, using ovulation predictor kits (from here on referred to as OPK's), and all such things that come with it. Well, needless to say, it's overwhelming at first and you really have no idea what you're doing for the first couple months. There will likely be a post on this whole topic sometime in the near future, but for now, we'll focus on the story line.

I came off the birth control (BC) in May of last year and transitioned to natural family planning (NFP). As I said before, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing the first month. And we were newlyweds. By June, I was sitting in my bathroom staring at the + sign on the walmart pregnancy test wondering how Dan was going to react since I'd spent a fair amount of time convincing him this NFP stuff was pretty accurate. I didn't have to worry about that for very long, because the next morning the test was negative. I was upset, and so was Dan, but it all happened so fast it's like it was there and then it wasn't. The doctor called the next morning to confirm I'd had a chemical pregnancy.

After that I got serious. I set my alarm for 6:30 AM everyday, and took my temperature before I got out of bed. I did an OPK at the same time everyday. I charted everything I possibly could on fertilityfriend.com (trust me when I say, that's a lot). I looked up information on how to interpret charts and how the hormones worked. I think I might have missed my calling and should have become a reproductive endocrinologist. It comes super naturally to me and within a couple weeks I was pretty knowledgeable not only in the text book way things should work, but what happens to people in real life. I read forum after forum after forum and how to use NFP as birth control. NFP has been very effective for me, even in other ways than birth control.

In December I started noticing my cycles were going absolutely wacko. Previously, my cycles had be 30-31 days with ovulation on day 15-16 every month, whereas now, all my OPK's were coming back positive after day 12. I started to get concerned that I wasn't actually ovulating.

If there's one thing I've learned through this whole thing up till now it's that there's nothing more scarily accurate than a woman's gut feeling when it comes to her reproductive health. I knew something wasn't right, even when I got the positive pregnancy test. I miscarried. I knew something wasn't right in December, and I was right. Since we were going to start trying in January, I was about ready to have a fit, if I'm honest. But I made myself wait.

Well, three months went by with no ovulation. I decided it was time to take action. First, I went to a doctor on base. Dr Hoffman was extremely helpful! He ordered all sorts of hormone tests and gave my progesterone to take to 'reset' my system. He also ordered a pelvic ultrasound. All in all, for not having a period for 3 months, my hormone results were pretty normal. My ultrasound came back, and the only thing they found weird was that my uterus is super far forward. Basically, I get to look 3 months pregnant when I'm one month pregnant. They told me this shouldn't interfere with getting pregnant. Ok, great!

Well, here we are. Present time. The 'restart' didn't work. No ovulation for me! SO I call the base and make a request for a referral off-base, since there's no OB/GYN specialist on base. I go through the whole insurance rigamarol, and my appointment was yesterday. I wasn't impressed with the doctor, to be honest. Her bedside manner is about that of a snake, and she's stuck in her ways. Thankfully, her 'way' was exactly what I needed.

She decided they'd be putting me through the clomid challenge test. In layman's terms, they're going to make my brain think I'm not producing enough ovulation inducing hormone in my body, and trick it into producing more. There's a couple down-sides: The side effects. I've prepared my husband for the worst. I said I may be able to stop myself from throwing things at him. Also, we're moving this weekend. And painting a 2700 sq. ft. house.

We covet your prayers. :)

So, there is an update on our baby situation. For both of us, this is one of our biggest desires. We want to be in God's Will first, and we know that timing will be of God. One of the biggest challenges for me through these last few months has been knowing how far to go with the medications, the medical procedures, the doctors, etc. in order to try and get pregnant. Finally it hit me that there's no reason to try to make decisions about steps you don't know whether or not you'll have to take.

So with that, my friends, one step at a time. Operation Baby Dashlee is underway, and I'll keep you updated along the way. Thank you in advance for your support and your prayers. Both are much needed and even more appreciated :)

Now, off to pack dishes before we close on our house tomorrow :)

Love,

Ash

Is there a such thing as a unique Mother's Day post?

I don't know.

But if there is indeed a unique Mother's Day post, I'm probably not going to be the one writing it. I came here to brag on my mom, so that's what I'm gonna do.

First, let me tell you a bit (and by bit, I mean averysmallpieceofherincrediblycomplicatedlife) of her story.

She grew up in a very small town, with a very small town mentality, on a farm. She had a cow, I think some chickens, and at one point I think there was a horse involved. She went to a small Christian school, and was generally a pretty normal kid.

When she was ten, she started having some health problems. To make an extremely long story short, two open heart surgeries, one wedding, and three kids later, we arrive at the year 2001. She hadn't been feeling well for quite some time now, but she was hanging in there. Someone needed something at target, so off we went. Again, to make a long story shorter, the whole family wound up in the ER waiting room wondering what was wrong with mom. This is where the big story begins.

There was a Discovery Channel show on the big screen about manatees, but I wasn't interested. Dad was back in the room with Mom. I was in charge of the siblings. Andrew's head was on my lap, he'd fallen asleep. Jessie was watching the TV, but not really paying attention to it, the same as I was. Dad came out with mom and said we were all going home. I remember she wasn't doing very well, but I couldn't place what was wrong, and it was bugging me.

The story progresses. To give you an idea of just how incredibly sick she was, at one point I remember (and honestly, my memory is probably somewhat inaccurate...but you'll get the idea) calling an ambulance for her three times in one week. It became part of life, and I'm fairly sure dispatchers probably knew who I was when I called in by the time the doctors finally got something figured out to help her heart. It was around this time that I knew I wanted to become a paramedic someday.

A year later, and mom is still sick. On the couch, can't get up or we're going to the ER again, sick. I remember feeling guilty because I couldn't fix her, and feeling quite in awe of her at the same time. She couldn't look out the window to check on us when we played outside, so I remember her grabbing dad's hunting walkie-talkies, handing one to me, and keeping the other one of her bedside table. About every 15-30 minutes I'd get a call on the walkie-talkie to make sure we were okay. My friends laughed, and I'd complain every once in a while, but I always knew she was just doing what she had to do. And I remember thinking, "I hope this makes her less stressed, so she'll get better."

I remember my sister making her juice three or four times a day. She'd complain about it too, and I still remember a picture my mom snapped of her, with her face in her hands, pouting, and holding two carrots. It's quite the sight, and pretty funny. I remember mom's skin turning orange, because all she could eat was juiced carrot and celery, after it had been strained two or three times to get all the fiber-filled carrot chunks out of it.

And then we moved to my grandparents basement. It's really not as dismal as it seems... we had our own kitchen, and we made do with two bedrooms. Mom was doing better now, she could eat a little more variety and we didn't fear we'd be making a trip to the ER whenever she got up to go to the restroom anymore. She was able to do some housework and cook some meals. Things were looking up.

Finally, a few months after we moved, we got a diagnosis. Celiac disease. Mom looked at me with a sad look on her face, and I remember thinking the worst, she had three months to live, maybe even less. It's not like it would be a shocker, and I'd had time to think about how I'd react and what I'd do. But then she smiled and said "I've got Celiac Disease...we'd better go get some oreos!" And did we ever get some oreos...and they were gone by that night, I'm pretty sure!

It didn't take too long for Mom to start feeling better. We slowly, slowly, ever so slowly got our Mom back. And then I went crazy, but that's a different story for a different time :)

I write all of that, and while that may not stun you, this next part will. I never once heard my mom complain. She would ask us to do something for her, and I would complain because I wanted to go hang with my friends rather than help my mom, but not once did I hear anything negative come out of her mouth about her health. To this very day, she makes meals FULL of things she can't eat, with no regard for herself. Not only does she not complain, but she doesn't ruin it for us either. How easy would it be for her to say "Oh man, that looks so good, wish I could have some...", or "Gee, how cool would it be to eat some of that chocolate cake!"? Nope. If someone offers her a piece of cake, or says "have you tried _____ to help your stomach pains?", she laughs it off and says something like "I'd love to, but I'd be on the toilet for weeks!"

My mom is the only person I know who can talk about almost starving to death and make the conversation uplifting instead of depressing.

My mom is the only person I know who could have dealt with my rebellious, obnoxious, awkward teen aged years with poise and grace, and without strangling me.

Annnddd...My mom is the only person who could have shown me as well as she did that no matter what, you still have the capability to do what's right.

Mom, you prepared me for my marriage by giving me a Godly example of what marriage really is. You prepared me for hardships by showing me openly Who you relied on. And you showed me how to love by loving me with all your heart.

I love you, Mamma!!

My Thoughts on life, Romans, and some other not so pleasant things...

There's a lot going on in the world right now. Just to catch you all up...

Obama is President.

Osama Bin Laden is dead, and Obama is taking credit for it.

Donald Trump is running for president.

Japan is crumbling...literally.

The southern region of the United States is being plundered by tornadoes.

We are killing our babies before they're even born.

People eat McDonald's Big Mac's like they're candy, then wonder why they're obese.

Well, that's just about enough to give you a good idea of where it looks like we're heading, not only as a country, but as a race. To be honest, I've been feeling a little down about the state of the world in which I live lately. And while I'm being extremely transparent, I know why!

My relationship with my God has not been where it should be the last few weeks. I think we all know what it's like to get in a 'rut' in our spiritual lives, but I don't think I've personally been in one I didn't know how to get out of. I wasn't enjoying my alone time with God in the mornings, which progressed to not making it a priority, which led to not doing it (because cleaning the house was more important....??), which moved on to feeling guilty about not doing it. Which led to me being a rotten, awful, stinking MESS!

I'll say my "rut recovery" started on Easter. Not only was it Resurrection Sunday, but it was my 1 year anniversary of marriage (post coming soon!!). Marc, our music pastor at our church, sang Arise, My Love, and I bawled. And bawled. And, as is typical for me once I start crying; I didn't stop for the rest of the service. It was powerful. Then, preacher spoke on 'The Folded Napkin" and the significance it has (see John 20:7). He told us of a Jewish tradition that was this: A Jewish master often would leave the table for short amounts of time during the meal. As a sign to the servant, he would either crumple his napkin or fold his napkin and leave it on the table before he left. A crumpled napkin meant he would not be returning. A folded napkin meant he would be returning to finish his meal. Now, apply that to Jesus' resurrection, and the significance of the napkin about his head being folded...not crumpled. Our Jesus us returning, His work is not done.

Do you know what that means? Jesus isn't done with me, either. If I'm still breathing, Jesus isn't done with me yet! I have a reason for being here. Jesus can still use me, and He will, if I just let Him. I often times don't realize the 'bigness' of this... and I can't explain it to you, because I want YOU to feel it.

The other thing that helped me get out of my rut: Romans, chapter 3. First, before I go on, I will tell you what a huge deal it is for me to cry. For most girls, the instinct emotional reaction to just about anything is sadness. Whether it's a fight with your man, something didn't go right for you, or you feel alone, most girls default to sadness, which usually leads to crying. Notice; I'm leaving room open here for the girls like me, who default to anger. I don't get sad very easily. I don't get extremely happy unless I'm excited about something. Most of the emotions that lead to tears, I don't experience very strongly unless it's something huge. Life altering, let's say. With that said, I bawled my way through Romans 3 this morning.

The section that really got me today is verses 9-20. It talks about how there is none righteous. And while reading this, I realized, "God didn't have to send Jesus for us." I mean...I already knew that. But there is a difference between knowing, and knowing. I think you probably know what I mean when I say that.

Well, there's my tidbit for today. It's random, scattered, and probably doesn't make any sense, but hopefully you can tell it's from my heart. I am praying about making this blog more of a ministry to women, and people in general. Thoughts are welcome, as are prayers! I have an intense desire to minister to the women at my church, I just don't know how to do that yet.

Until next time,

Ash

IIII'mmmmm Baaaacccckkkk!!!!

Ah, hello my dear readers. I have some news, and well, an apology. I totally suck. I know. I haven't written in ages, I know. But I will tell you why soon. So, I'm sorry for not writing, will you forgive me?

Okay! On to better things. I have news. We're having a...

Puppy!!!!!!

Actually, two. :) How's that for a teaser, eh, mom? I'm really excited about my Future Furry Friends. We even already have their names picked out :) Kiba and Ember. I'm actually wavering a little bit on the Kiba thing, I've recently made the connection from Kiba to kibble, and I just can't do that.... But Ember I LOVE, because she will be an Irish Setter, and therefore, red....like an ember :)

That's not actually her, because she isn't born yet....but in May she will be!

So, that's Ember...but what about Kiba? Well, to be honest, at this point I'm a little more excited about Kiba than I am about Ember...but that's probably because w

e have a whole lot more info about Kiba. I know that at this very moment Jubilee (Kiba's mom) has just come out of heat. Right now we're just waiting to see if the breeding worked... I don't think I've ever prayed so hard for a positive doggie pregnancy test.

These doggies are the Mom and dad of the puppy we'll be getting. The farthest dog is Bruhaus, the dad. He's 32 inches tall....at the SHOULDER. He weighs about 180 lbs. Yes. Big dog. The closest dog is Jubilee, or Jubi. She's abut 29 inches at the shoulder and 140ish lbs. They are both in their winter coats in this picture.

And this is a puppy the two above dogs produced. Cute, huh? Her name is Ursa. I about die whenever I see this picture. :)

I have more for later, but for now, the husband is calling me to eat lunch on base. :) I love you all! *Muah!*