Who had this idea anyway? All I know is that I approve. Thank God for smart people, and sharp needles that I can't even feel.
My appointment on Friday went quite well. The egg on my left ovary had vanished somewhere... I have no idea where. But from what I saw it looked like two on my right ovary. Which pretty much confirms that my left ovary is 'bad' for whatever reason. Which also happens to be weird, since my left ovary currently feels like it might explode.
So far I've been feeling fine post shot. I have heartburn that is so far unrivaled in my life, and had nausea for a couple hours. But now I feel great! When I bend over my ovaries kill me and feel like they're squishing my insides, which I actually like. It's reassuring that something is going on down there. Whether that's completely masochistic or not is yet to be decided ;)
I have a progesterone test scheduled for the 5th and a blood hCG test scheduled for the 12th if I don't already know by then. Now entering: Wait Mode. This is generally the part where I struggle the most with keeping my eyes on Jesus, so prayers for the next two weeks or so are very appreciated :)
I had a sort of revelation today during the morning service. Pastor was talking about how to bear your burdens. Romans 8:28 has really been on my mind more this last week, and it just worked together with the sermon this morning. This actually CAN be a blessing... it doesn't have to be a burden...
It kind of blew my mind.
Also, I've had some interest in me possibly doing a series on fertility in general from the medical side. There's a lot of info out there but it's all scattered and it's impossible for someone without medical training to know what's true and what's myth. I would also probably do a series on charting How To's. Even if you already know how to do it and have already read "taking charge of your fertility", you might be interested in this as well.
Thank you friends and family. Your prayers are working!!! I love them and you will never quite know how much I feel them unless you manage to hack my brain. I'm praying that my 'feeling' about this month will be quite correct. I've had 'feelings' before so that doesn't necessarily mean anything. But I feel good about this month and I'm praying my feel good turns into babies. ;)
And can I also just say... thank the Lord for Christmas music!!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
How To: Be The Kind of Husband An Infertile Needs
Okay, I know if you are struggling with infertility and have a husband who tends to be less than understanding (or even one who tries to be and doesn't really succeed), you're probably going to call him as soon as you read this, make him write down the URL to this post on a sticky note and demand that he not only read it, but apply it. Please don't do that. Not only would you be an insensitive wife at that point, but I really don't want this blog to be one of those "my wife is making me read this" kind of blogs. I want husbands who genuinely seek to better understand their wives to have a place to come that will hopefully give them some much needed insight into the world of women.
A whole ton of women are blessed with amazing husbands who want to help. Problem is, women push them away a lot of the time. I empathize with the desire to do that... it's hard to remain vulnerable when you get let down month after month after convincing yourself you didn't really get your hopes up this month, and when you see that single line you realize you really did have your hopes up. It's hard. But when has it ever been okay not to do something because it's hard? Try to find me an example where that worked for someone in the Bible... if you do please share it. I've been looking for one to justify my wants. ;-)
I did a lot of research for this post. Internet, book excerpts, and personal conversations with my husband over the length of our journey. Research into what men feel in the battle with infertility, and what women want their husbands to be. In order to understand what you want from your husband, you probably need to understand what he's feeling. Before reading any more, please let go of the idea that the woman is the only one that will feel the pain of infertility in your relationship. It's not true.
I was talking to a friend about Dan's initial fertility workup results. His first counts came back low on everything: motility, morphology, and production. She made a good point that I think is a foundation for what women need to realize; Men want to provide for their wives, and they may see being able to get their wife pregnant as a way to provide for them. Nearly every woman knows the importance of their husband feeling capable and strong. I know if my sweet Dan is feeling inadequate, it's a bad day. Imagine having that constantly lingering over your head. Even if your hubby doens't have anything wrong with him, if you're not getting pregnant, he will probably hold some feeling of responsibility. Men are geared that way. They are fixers. If something is wrong (especially if something is affecting their wife), they will want to do anything to fix it. But with infertility, they can't. They have to learn to comfort you in the midst of it. The hardest part for them is probably seeing you in pain. They feel the loss of a dream, the broken heart, but they feel your pain most, because they're helpless.
So, there's that to get you out of your pity party for yourself. :) You're not the only one that has it rough, and don't let yourself fall into feeling sorry for yourself. While it is generally true that the woman feels more pain than the man, often we discount the pain our hubbies are feeling because we don't see it as enough pain. Being perfectly honest, that's horrible.
For the Husbands:
Your wife needs you now, but she probably doesn't need you how you think she needs you. Going with her to doctor's appointments, being there for every procedure, giving her the injections, reminding her to take her pills, and probably dishing out tons of money in an effort to get pregnant are all very important to her, and can't be forgotten. But more than you fixing the situation, she needs you to understand her. Anybody can understand someone else. Empathy on the other hand is hard to come by if you don't understand what the other is feeling. But she's not asking for empathy (actually, if you try to empathize with her, she'll probably wonder why you think you can. You're not female, you don't have motherhood ingrained into you, you don't have a uterus, you don't have to go through a cycle every month. It would be supernatural if you could). She wants understanding. She wants you to recognize when she's hurting. She wants you to wrap her up in your lap and say "you're really hurting today aren't you? I can't make it better, but I can promise I'll be here with you." She wants you to jump in with a subject change or a conversation diversion when a friend says something hurtful to her and she's stumbling over words, trying to be polite and not show that she was just deeply hurt. She wants to be known, to be felt, to be loved with all of your being. Because that's among the most important thing she has on this earth, and whether she realizes it or admits it, she's scared to death of losing that in the infertility storm, too.
There will undoubtedly be times where you feel like she doesn't care about you anymore, and you wonder if all she wants from you anymore is your sperm. I'm not even going to lie to you, there are times when the motherly instinct is so strong, so all consuming, that may not be too far off. But please realize and understand that once her hormones aren't dominating her thought processes and she can think clearly again, you will be just as (if not more) important to her than you were 3 days ago.
And guys...this doesn't last forever. Even if your journey is unsuccessful (something that once your wife realizes may happen, and accepts it, will be an amazing rejuvenation for your relationship), many women will come to accept this as her lot and there will come a point where this is not a constant issue for her. Will she have that spot in her heart forever? Probably. But will it always consume her thoughts until you get pregnant? Probably not. There is hope. There is always hope.
Bottom line: She needs you. All of you. And when you feel sorrow in the midst of this, make sure to talk with her about it. It will help her to know that you are indeed feeling this at least a little bit. It will help her feel less crazy if you are open with what you are going through as well. And please... PLEASE pray for her and for your future babies. And let her hear you pray for her... there's absolutely nothing that you could say to her that would be as effective and that would reach her heart better than prayer and allowing Jesus to do His work in her.
And, if you're totally clueless and want more specific help, shoot me an email. :) I am happy to help.
I am going to start praying for all the infertile women in the world often. I don't want to ever hurt anyone by saying something dumb. I don't want to ever lead a hurting woman astray... and most of all I want every hurting woman to have the comfort that I have found in Jesus.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Third Time's A Charm
Nope, we're not pregnant. Just in case you thought the title was referring to pregnancy. In which case even that wouldn't make sense, because this is the 10th time. Anyways....
Well! I had my doctor's appointment for the ultrasound after the higher Clomid dose today. There's awesome news, and some news that I extrapolated from my own knowledge that the doctor said nothing about. ;)
First, the news I extrapolated. It is not uncommon to have one 'good' ovary, and one 'bad' ovary. Bad being harder to stimulate than than the other. My left ovary seems to be quite stubborn. It takes grandiose amounts of estrogen to create a follicle worthy of triggering. That just means that I think I'm going to have to be on a higher dose of Clomid on the month I'm supposed to ovulate from that ovary, which by the way, happens to be this month. :) This is all okay though, because at least it's capable of ovulating. I am blessed.
The good news!!!
Doc came in and asked me if I had anything growing in there. I told him I thought I did on my left side. The nurse laughed at me and said maybe they don't even need to do the ultrasound! I said no, no, please do... haha. And sure enough....
I have three, yes, THREE (3) follicles! One is 12 mm, one is 12.5 mm, and the one on my left ovary will probably develop more and be triggered as well, but didn't mention the size. The standard size for triggering is 18-26 cm, so they have to grow a bit more, but he thinks they will. I go back on Friday for another ultrasound, and quite possibly a trigger shot :)
Praise the Lord I have only felt bad when I'm actively taking the Clomid, which is only for five days (Dan would probably prefer me not to use the word 'only'...). I don't know what I would do without my husband being the exact way he is. He knows how to react when I scream at him to stop chewing, when I want to cuddle one second and then I want to murder anyone that touches me the next because of a hot flash. Bless his heart, he just deserves so many jewels in his crown.
I just love the comfort God gives. After each appointment He's given me a very clear upside, even when most people would only be able to see the downside. Last appointment, nothing was working, but God made it very clear to my heart that it was okay to take the next dose. And here we are with triple the chance of getting pregnant this cycle and double the chance for multiples. I love it. And let me just say, I don't know how women who don't have Jesus get through this. All glory to God, and God alone... I am still sane. Anything good in me is actually none of me, and everything of Him.
I can't say it enough, THANK YOU for your prayers. I am so grateful. I am still praying for a pregnancy by December, and for multiples, but God has also made it very clear to me that that will happen if it's what's best for me, and it won't if that's not the case. And.... by the grace of God, I'm okay with that. :)
'Till Friday! AND! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Give thanks for something unusual this holiday.
Ash
Well! I had my doctor's appointment for the ultrasound after the higher Clomid dose today. There's awesome news, and some news that I extrapolated from my own knowledge that the doctor said nothing about. ;)
First, the news I extrapolated. It is not uncommon to have one 'good' ovary, and one 'bad' ovary. Bad being harder to stimulate than than the other. My left ovary seems to be quite stubborn. It takes grandiose amounts of estrogen to create a follicle worthy of triggering. That just means that I think I'm going to have to be on a higher dose of Clomid on the month I'm supposed to ovulate from that ovary, which by the way, happens to be this month. :) This is all okay though, because at least it's capable of ovulating. I am blessed.
The good news!!!
Doc came in and asked me if I had anything growing in there. I told him I thought I did on my left side. The nurse laughed at me and said maybe they don't even need to do the ultrasound! I said no, no, please do... haha. And sure enough....
I have three, yes, THREE (3) follicles! One is 12 mm, one is 12.5 mm, and the one on my left ovary will probably develop more and be triggered as well, but didn't mention the size. The standard size for triggering is 18-26 cm, so they have to grow a bit more, but he thinks they will. I go back on Friday for another ultrasound, and quite possibly a trigger shot :)
Praise the Lord I have only felt bad when I'm actively taking the Clomid, which is only for five days (Dan would probably prefer me not to use the word 'only'...). I don't know what I would do without my husband being the exact way he is. He knows how to react when I scream at him to stop chewing, when I want to cuddle one second and then I want to murder anyone that touches me the next because of a hot flash. Bless his heart, he just deserves so many jewels in his crown.
I just love the comfort God gives. After each appointment He's given me a very clear upside, even when most people would only be able to see the downside. Last appointment, nothing was working, but God made it very clear to my heart that it was okay to take the next dose. And here we are with triple the chance of getting pregnant this cycle and double the chance for multiples. I love it. And let me just say, I don't know how women who don't have Jesus get through this. All glory to God, and God alone... I am still sane. Anything good in me is actually none of me, and everything of Him.
I can't say it enough, THANK YOU for your prayers. I am so grateful. I am still praying for a pregnancy by December, and for multiples, but God has also made it very clear to me that that will happen if it's what's best for me, and it won't if that's not the case. And.... by the grace of God, I'm okay with that. :)
'Till Friday! AND! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Give thanks for something unusual this holiday.
Ash
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Comid 2.5
Yesterday, I had another ultrasound done to tell us whether we would have to up the dose or trigger me to ovulate. Doc came in and asked me if I had anything growing in there, and I said "I don't think so, but let's see!" He looked legitimately sad. It warmed my heart.
What! A doctor that actually cares about his patients??? Amazing.
He did the ultrasound and said "yeah, you really don't have anything going on in there except about 100 small eggs."
100?!?! Yep. Lots of eggs in there. And now I'm going to make more, because he then proceeded to tell me that he was raising the dose to 100 mg per day instead of 50mg. Meaning: I now have the effects of 150mg of Clomid in my system making me some eggs.
Not that I want to over analyze, but I'm thinking I see some divine intervention here. BECAUSE:
This means my chances for multiples in the next two months is higher than my chances for a singleton.
I would really like multiples. I would be extremely happy with that. People think I'm crazy, and that's quite possibly because I actually am. But I have witnessed the miracle of twins and it's SO. AWESOME. Beyond words.
For the first time in this journey I really feel like I've given it all to God. It's almost hard for me to stress over this anymore, probably half because I've just accepted it as part of my life, and the other half being a discussion Dan and I had the other night. We were talking about striving, and what we should and shouldn't strive for. I asked whether he thought we should be 'striving' to have a baby. I mentioned that I feel strongly that I will be a mother someday, and I believe that feeling is from the Lord. Dan brought up the subject of Sarah and Abraham, which is a popular story for women going through infertility. He said that even though the Lord had directly promised Abraham that he would be a father of many nations, Sarah lost faith when she became too old to have children, and gave Abraham her handmaid instead, trying to fulfill what the Lord had promised to Abraham. I truly believe she was just trying to do the right thing, but because she strove to bring about something the Lord had promised in her own strength, rather than waiting on the Lord, something that has brought great pain to this earth happened in the birth of Ishmael. Sarah didn't wait, and brought pain. I want to wait on the Lord, His timing is perfect.
I then asked Dan whether he thought it was bad that I was going to this doctor. He mentioned that going to this doctor isn't strictly for babies. There's been at least two health issues that have been discovered for me through this that pose other health risks that have nothing to do with babies/fertility. I never would have known that unless we had seen this doctor. He also mentioned that we both have peace with this decision.
So, all in all, it was an amazing conversation and the part about striving to accomplish what only God can accomplish was huge to me.
There's the update for this week! Next appointment is on Wednesday. We're praying for two follicles that we can trigger, blessings on all my baby parts, and speed and accuracy for the spermies (hahaha, wow), and for God's Will to be done no matter what.
I know there's been some issues with the commenting system, but hopefully that is resolved now. I love you all and I can't wait to continue sharing this journey.
Ash
What! A doctor that actually cares about his patients??? Amazing.
He did the ultrasound and said "yeah, you really don't have anything going on in there except about 100 small eggs."
100?!?! Yep. Lots of eggs in there. And now I'm going to make more, because he then proceeded to tell me that he was raising the dose to 100 mg per day instead of 50mg. Meaning: I now have the effects of 150mg of Clomid in my system making me some eggs.
Not that I want to over analyze, but I'm thinking I see some divine intervention here. BECAUSE:
This means my chances for multiples in the next two months is higher than my chances for a singleton.
I would really like multiples. I would be extremely happy with that. People think I'm crazy, and that's quite possibly because I actually am. But I have witnessed the miracle of twins and it's SO. AWESOME. Beyond words.
For the first time in this journey I really feel like I've given it all to God. It's almost hard for me to stress over this anymore, probably half because I've just accepted it as part of my life, and the other half being a discussion Dan and I had the other night. We were talking about striving, and what we should and shouldn't strive for. I asked whether he thought we should be 'striving' to have a baby. I mentioned that I feel strongly that I will be a mother someday, and I believe that feeling is from the Lord. Dan brought up the subject of Sarah and Abraham, which is a popular story for women going through infertility. He said that even though the Lord had directly promised Abraham that he would be a father of many nations, Sarah lost faith when she became too old to have children, and gave Abraham her handmaid instead, trying to fulfill what the Lord had promised to Abraham. I truly believe she was just trying to do the right thing, but because she strove to bring about something the Lord had promised in her own strength, rather than waiting on the Lord, something that has brought great pain to this earth happened in the birth of Ishmael. Sarah didn't wait, and brought pain. I want to wait on the Lord, His timing is perfect.
I then asked Dan whether he thought it was bad that I was going to this doctor. He mentioned that going to this doctor isn't strictly for babies. There's been at least two health issues that have been discovered for me through this that pose other health risks that have nothing to do with babies/fertility. I never would have known that unless we had seen this doctor. He also mentioned that we both have peace with this decision.
So, all in all, it was an amazing conversation and the part about striving to accomplish what only God can accomplish was huge to me.
There's the update for this week! Next appointment is on Wednesday. We're praying for two follicles that we can trigger, blessings on all my baby parts, and speed and accuracy for the spermies (hahaha, wow), and for God's Will to be done no matter what.
I know there's been some issues with the commenting system, but hopefully that is resolved now. I love you all and I can't wait to continue sharing this journey.
Ash
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Update: Clomid Round 2
Well, since there wasn't a frantic excited mess of posts on Facebook about me being pregnant, most of you probably gathered that we are still preparing the 9 month home for baby Dashlee! Okay with me, since a July due date means miserable end of pregnancy. AND! I ovulated! This is good news. ;)
I started the second (well, second with this doctor. Round 6 overall) round of Clomid on the 4th. I noticed some more emotional symptoms this time around... since Clomid stimulates your ovaries by forcing you to produce more estrogen, and in menopause you produce nearly 4 times the amount of estrogen you produce normally, I'm nearly positive Dan is in for it when I hit menopause. Poor, poor soul. Other than being incredibly awful as a person in general for a week, I felt pretty good physically considering everything going on.
As you may (or may not) recall, before when I was taking Clomid, it was working fine, then suddenly it just stopped working at all. I didn't ovulate at all the last time I took it and had to reset myself with hormones. That's when they referred me to my current doctor. Well, I had my ultrasound today and it seems like the same thing is happening again. The ultrasound showed no mature follicles whatsoever... last time I only had one. He wants to give me another week to see if I will produce enough estrogen on my own, and therefore produce at least one mature follicle that we can trigger. Otherwise, he will just up the dose to what I was on before, and we'll try again.
So basically, it seems like I build up a resistance to Clomid over time. A particular dosage will work once, but then we have to up the dose for it to work next time. You can only do this so many times, because a dosage of 150mg is as high as you can go or you will hyperstimulate. I was on 50mg this cycle. The next dose is 100mg, then after that 150. So at max I probably have only two more cycles on Clomid (hopefully less, yes???). Thereafter, if I don't get pregnant, we would probably move on to injectables such as Follistim. Those are way more expensive than what we're doing now, so hopefully it doesn't get that far ;)
What I find interesting about this whole thing, is that I actually knew what was going on before the ultrasound even happened. Same thing with last ultrasound. I knew last time that my right ovary had a huge follicle, and it did. This time, I knew nothing was really happening down there, simply because of the way I felt. Just goes to say that yes, you can know your body, and you can and should tell doctors what you think is going on. And not only that, but they should believe you. ;) There are a lot of wackos out there, but the average woman is truly able to understand her body.
So! There's an update! I pretty much feel like this blog is going somewhere. I don't know how and I don't know why but I feel like I can use it to help a lot of people, so that's my plan. As a sneak peak, there will be some more "How-To:" posts, and probably a series on NFP (Natural Family Planning) to get you acquainted with my crazy gibberish and also to educate anyone interested. Right now, I'm working on "How To: Be The Kind of Husband An Infertile Needs." Yay! I'm taking a while on this one, because I want to be tactful but blunt, and I definitely lean towards the blunt side with very little tact. So, trying to balance myself out. ;)
I'm also looking on the bright side about all this: If I were to have already ovulated, I would've only ovulated once. Which takes my chances for twins down to about 1%. If I go on the next dose, I'm about 49% more likely to have twins. For a weeks wait? I think I'll take that... I know you all probably think I'm crazy for wanting twins, but I seriously do. Might as well get two out of the way at once if it's going to be this hard! ;)
I love every single one of you. My heart is so full of .... whatever fuzzy feeling you care to name everytime someone tells me this blog means something to them, or that they're praying for me, Dan, and FBD. It's literally so awesome, I just want to cry. Happy tears :)
Until next time! (aka, next Wednesday)
Ash, Dan, and FBD
I started the second (well, second with this doctor. Round 6 overall) round of Clomid on the 4th. I noticed some more emotional symptoms this time around... since Clomid stimulates your ovaries by forcing you to produce more estrogen, and in menopause you produce nearly 4 times the amount of estrogen you produce normally, I'm nearly positive Dan is in for it when I hit menopause. Poor, poor soul. Other than being incredibly awful as a person in general for a week, I felt pretty good physically considering everything going on.
As you may (or may not) recall, before when I was taking Clomid, it was working fine, then suddenly it just stopped working at all. I didn't ovulate at all the last time I took it and had to reset myself with hormones. That's when they referred me to my current doctor. Well, I had my ultrasound today and it seems like the same thing is happening again. The ultrasound showed no mature follicles whatsoever... last time I only had one. He wants to give me another week to see if I will produce enough estrogen on my own, and therefore produce at least one mature follicle that we can trigger. Otherwise, he will just up the dose to what I was on before, and we'll try again.
So basically, it seems like I build up a resistance to Clomid over time. A particular dosage will work once, but then we have to up the dose for it to work next time. You can only do this so many times, because a dosage of 150mg is as high as you can go or you will hyperstimulate. I was on 50mg this cycle. The next dose is 100mg, then after that 150. So at max I probably have only two more cycles on Clomid (hopefully less, yes???). Thereafter, if I don't get pregnant, we would probably move on to injectables such as Follistim. Those are way more expensive than what we're doing now, so hopefully it doesn't get that far ;)
What I find interesting about this whole thing, is that I actually knew what was going on before the ultrasound even happened. Same thing with last ultrasound. I knew last time that my right ovary had a huge follicle, and it did. This time, I knew nothing was really happening down there, simply because of the way I felt. Just goes to say that yes, you can know your body, and you can and should tell doctors what you think is going on. And not only that, but they should believe you. ;) There are a lot of wackos out there, but the average woman is truly able to understand her body.
So! There's an update! I pretty much feel like this blog is going somewhere. I don't know how and I don't know why but I feel like I can use it to help a lot of people, so that's my plan. As a sneak peak, there will be some more "How-To:" posts, and probably a series on NFP (Natural Family Planning) to get you acquainted with my crazy gibberish and also to educate anyone interested. Right now, I'm working on "How To: Be The Kind of Husband An Infertile Needs." Yay! I'm taking a while on this one, because I want to be tactful but blunt, and I definitely lean towards the blunt side with very little tact. So, trying to balance myself out. ;)
I'm also looking on the bright side about all this: If I were to have already ovulated, I would've only ovulated once. Which takes my chances for twins down to about 1%. If I go on the next dose, I'm about 49% more likely to have twins. For a weeks wait? I think I'll take that... I know you all probably think I'm crazy for wanting twins, but I seriously do. Might as well get two out of the way at once if it's going to be this hard! ;)
I love every single one of you. My heart is so full of .... whatever fuzzy feeling you care to name everytime someone tells me this blog means something to them, or that they're praying for me, Dan, and FBD. It's literally so awesome, I just want to cry. Happy tears :)
Until next time! (aka, next Wednesday)
Ash, Dan, and FBD
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
How To: Be The Kind of Husband an Infertile Needs
Okay, I know if you are struggling with infertility and have a husband who tends to be less than understanding (or even one who tries to be and doesn't really succeed), you're probably going to call him as soon as you read this, make him write down the URL to this post on a sticky note and demand that he not only read it, but apply it. Please don't do that. Not only would you be an insensitive wife at that point, but I really don't want this blog to be one of those "my wife is making me read this" kind of blogs. I want husbands who genuinely seek to better understand their wives to have a place to come that will hopefully give them some much needed insight into the world of women.
A whole ton of women are blessed with amazing husbands who want to help. Problem is, women push them away a lot of the time. I empathize with the desire to do that... it's hard to remain vulnerable when you get let down month after month after convincing yourself you didn't really get your hopes up this month, and when you see that single line you realize you really did have your hopes up. It's hard. But when has it ever been okay not to do something because it's hard? Try to find me an example where that worked for someone in the Bible... if you do please share it. I've been looking for one to justify my wants. ;-)
I did a lot of research for this post. Internet, book excerpts, and personal conversations with my husband over the length of our journey. Research into what men feel in the battle with infertility, and what women want their husbands to be. In order to understand what you want from your husband, you probably need to understand what he's feeling. Before reading any more, please let go of the idea that the woman is the only one that will feel the pain of infertility in your relationship. It's not true.
I was talking to a friend about Dan's initial fertility workup results. His first counts came back low on everything: motility, morphology, and production. She made a good point that I think is a foundation for what women need to realize; Men want to provide for their wives, and they may see being able to get their wife pregnant as a way to provide for them. Nearly every woman knows the importance of their husband feeling capable and strong. I know if my sweet Dan is feeling inadequate, it's a bad day. Imagine having that constantly lingering over your head. Even if your hubby doens't have anything wrong with him, if you're not getting pregnant, he will probably hold some feeling of responsibility. Men are geared that way. They are fixers. If something is wrong (especially if something is affecting their wife), they will want to do anything to fix it. But with infertility, they can't. They have to learn to comfort you in the midst of it. The hardest part for them is probably seeing you in pain. They feel the loss of a dream, the broken heart, but they feel your pain most, because they're helpless.
So, there's that to get you out of your pity party for yourself. :) You're not the only one that has it rough, and don't let yourself fall into feeling sorry for yourself. While it is generally true that the woman feels more pain than the man, often we discount the pain our hubbies are feeling because we don't see it as enough pain. Being perfectly honest, that's horrible.
For the Husbands:
Your wife needs you now, but she probably doesn't need you how you think she needs you. Going with her to doctor's appointments, being there for every procedure, giving her the injections, reminding her to take her pills, and probably dishing out tons of money in an effort to get pregnant are all very important to her, and can't be forgotten. But more than you fixing the situation, she needs you to understand her. Anybody can understand someone else. Empathy on the other hand is hard to come by if you don't understand what the other is feeling. But she's not asking for empathy (actually, if you try to empathize with her, she'll probably wonder why you think you can. You're not female, you don't have motherhood ingrained into you, you don't have a uterus, you don't have to go through a cycle every month. It would be supernatural if you could). She wants understanding. She wants you to recognize when she's hurting. She wants you to wrap her up in your lap and say "you're really hurting today aren't you? I can't make it better, but I can promise I'll be here with you." She wants you to jump in with a subject change or a conversation diversion when a friend says something hurtful to her and she's stumbling over words, trying to be polite and not show that she was just deeply hurt. She wants to be known, to be felt, to be loved with all of your being. Because that's among the most important thing she has on this earth, and whether she realizes it or admits it, she's scared to death of losing that in the infertility storm, too.
There will undoubtedly be times where you feel like she doesn't care about you anymore, and you wonder if all she wants from you anymore is your sperm. I'm not even going to lie to you, there are times when the motherly instinct is so strong, so all consuming, that may not be too far off. But please realize and understand that once her hormones aren't dominating her thought processes and she can think clearly again, you will be just as (if not more) important to her than you were 3 days ago.
And guys...this doesn't last forever. Even if your journey is unsuccessful (something that once your wife realizes may happen, and accepts it, will be an amazing rejuvenation for your relationship), many women will come to accept this as her lot and there will come a point where this is not a constant issue for her. Will she have that spot in her heart forever? Probably. But will it always consume her thoughts until you get pregnant? Probably not. There is hope. There is always hope.
Bottom line: She needs you. All of you. And when you feel sorrow in the midst of this, make sure to talk with her about it. It will help her to know that you are indeed feeling this at least a little bit. It will help her feel less crazy if you are open with what you are going through as well. And please... PLEASE pray for her and for your future babies. And let her hear you pray for her... there's absolutely nothing that you could say to her that would be as effective and that would reach her heart better than prayer and allowing Jesus to do His work in her.
And, if you're totally clueless and want more specific help, shoot me an email. :) I am happy to help.
I am going to start praying for all the infertile women in the world often. I don't want to ever hurt anyone by saying something dumb. I don't want to ever lead a hurting woman astray... and most of all I want every hurting woman to have the comfort that I have found in Jesus.
A whole ton of women are blessed with amazing husbands who want to help. Problem is, women push them away a lot of the time. I empathize with the desire to do that... it's hard to remain vulnerable when you get let down month after month after convincing yourself you didn't really get your hopes up this month, and when you see that single line you realize you really did have your hopes up. It's hard. But when has it ever been okay not to do something because it's hard? Try to find me an example where that worked for someone in the Bible... if you do please share it. I've been looking for one to justify my wants. ;-)
I did a lot of research for this post. Internet, book excerpts, and personal conversations with my husband over the length of our journey. Research into what men feel in the battle with infertility, and what women want their husbands to be. In order to understand what you want from your husband, you probably need to understand what he's feeling. Before reading any more, please let go of the idea that the woman is the only one that will feel the pain of infertility in your relationship. It's not true.
I was talking to a friend about Dan's initial fertility workup results. His first counts came back low on everything: motility, morphology, and production. She made a good point that I think is a foundation for what women need to realize; Men want to provide for their wives, and they may see being able to get their wife pregnant as a way to provide for them. Nearly every woman knows the importance of their husband feeling capable and strong. I know if my sweet Dan is feeling inadequate, it's a bad day. Imagine having that constantly lingering over your head. Even if your hubby doens't have anything wrong with him, if you're not getting pregnant, he will probably hold some feeling of responsibility. Men are geared that way. They are fixers. If something is wrong (especially if something is affecting their wife), they will want to do anything to fix it. But with infertility, they can't. They have to learn to comfort you in the midst of it. The hardest part for them is probably seeing you in pain. They feel the loss of a dream, the broken heart, but they feel your pain most, because they're helpless.
So, there's that to get you out of your pity party for yourself. :) You're not the only one that has it rough, and don't let yourself fall into feeling sorry for yourself. While it is generally true that the woman feels more pain than the man, often we discount the pain our hubbies are feeling because we don't see it as enough pain. Being perfectly honest, that's horrible.
For the Husbands:
Your wife needs you now, but she probably doesn't need you how you think she needs you. Going with her to doctor's appointments, being there for every procedure, giving her the injections, reminding her to take her pills, and probably dishing out tons of money in an effort to get pregnant are all very important to her, and can't be forgotten. But more than you fixing the situation, she needs you to understand her. Anybody can understand someone else. Empathy on the other hand is hard to come by if you don't understand what the other is feeling. But she's not asking for empathy (actually, if you try to empathize with her, she'll probably wonder why you think you can. You're not female, you don't have motherhood ingrained into you, you don't have a uterus, you don't have to go through a cycle every month. It would be supernatural if you could). She wants understanding. She wants you to recognize when she's hurting. She wants you to wrap her up in your lap and say "you're really hurting today aren't you? I can't make it better, but I can promise I'll be here with you." She wants you to jump in with a subject change or a conversation diversion when a friend says something hurtful to her and she's stumbling over words, trying to be polite and not show that she was just deeply hurt. She wants to be known, to be felt, to be loved with all of your being. Because that's among the most important thing she has on this earth, and whether she realizes it or admits it, she's scared to death of losing that in the infertility storm, too.
There will undoubtedly be times where you feel like she doesn't care about you anymore, and you wonder if all she wants from you anymore is your sperm. I'm not even going to lie to you, there are times when the motherly instinct is so strong, so all consuming, that may not be too far off. But please realize and understand that once her hormones aren't dominating her thought processes and she can think clearly again, you will be just as (if not more) important to her than you were 3 days ago.
And guys...this doesn't last forever. Even if your journey is unsuccessful (something that once your wife realizes may happen, and accepts it, will be an amazing rejuvenation for your relationship), many women will come to accept this as her lot and there will come a point where this is not a constant issue for her. Will she have that spot in her heart forever? Probably. But will it always consume her thoughts until you get pregnant? Probably not. There is hope. There is always hope.
Bottom line: She needs you. All of you. And when you feel sorrow in the midst of this, make sure to talk with her about it. It will help her to know that you are indeed feeling this at least a little bit. It will help her feel less crazy if you are open with what you are going through as well. And please... PLEASE pray for her and for your future babies. And let her hear you pray for her... there's absolutely nothing that you could say to her that would be as effective and that would reach her heart better than prayer and allowing Jesus to do His work in her.
And, if you're totally clueless and want more specific help, shoot me an email. :) I am happy to help.
I am going to start praying for all the infertile women in the world often. I don't want to ever hurt anyone by saying something dumb. I don't want to ever lead a hurting woman astray... and most of all I want every hurting woman to have the comfort that I have found in Jesus.
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